PRESS CONFERENCE

(A FRIENDLY LIE)

After hearing the astonishing news that Frank J. has called for a suspension of hostilities in the Great Blog War of 2003, Glenn Reynolds held a press conference…

Glenn: Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming on such short notice. Today marks an historical occasion that brings to mind the conclusion of the epic battles of the Greek Hoplites in their struggle…

ABC: BOR-ING! If you get anywhere near a point, motor-mouth, send us a telegram.

CBS: Geez, man! Get on with it already!

Glenn: Yes, well, seems that Frank J. called a cease-fire in the Blog War.

[murmurs of reporterish disbelief]

NBC: Uh, what’s a “Blog”?

Glenn: A blog, or weblog, is a publicly accessible online journal that is comprised of short, frequently updated posts.

NBC: Right. And… “War”?

Glenn: A concerted effort or campaign to combat or put an end to something considered injurious.

NBC: Right. No, wait… I thought that was a “quagmire”?

Glenn: Only if it takes place in a former French colonial possession.

New York Times: Ok, so what’s this Blog War thingy all about anyway?

Glenn: Well, a little over a month ago, Frank J. said…

ABC: BOR-ING!

Glenn: Look, you lefty asshats, I gave everyone a copy of the “The Blog War - An Introduction for the Uninitiated”. Didn’t ANYBODY read it?

[*crickets*]

Glenn: Right. I’m gonna go grab a puppy shake. I’ll be back in five. NOW READ!

[assorted reporterly grumbling]

[FIVE MINUTES LATER]

Glenn: So, any questions?

[*crickets*]

Glenn: Did ANYONE read the handout yet?

[assorted foot-shuffling and ground-staring]

Glenn: DAMMIT! Look. I’m gonna go whack me a hobo. When I come back either I get some intelligent discourse, or you’re all Emmett Kelly. Capiche?

[ONE WELL-HAMMERED HOBO LATER]

Glenn: Ok, now did everyone read their handout? [brandishing bloody hammer]

Reporter Chorus: Yes, Mr. Reynolds.

Glenn: Good. Now that you all know how it started, here’s how it finished. Frank J. decided that, rather than mocking me, he would start spending his time showing his support for the troops in Iraq. He hopes to focus blogospheric and other media attention on first-hand reports from the troops who are out fighting the War on Terrorism. Both the good news that the big news organizations are ignoring, and the bad news that normally gets glossed over with a quick headline statistic. Warts and all, he wants to shower our fighting men and women with attention, appreciation and support.

Reuters: And you support Frank J.’s decision?

Glenn: I certainly do. I’ve been saying for months that the best stories of the war are getting ignored by the powers that be. I couldn’t be more thrilled to finally have a good reason to link that monkey-faced, lying sack of … sorry… fine, upstanding, proud American citizen. I’m tickled pink to be able to join with him in supporting our troops.

CNN: So, you support our troops?

Glenn: What?!? Of COURSE I support our troops? I bloody well say so fifty freaking times a day! Don’t any of you read Instapundit?

[*crickets*]

Jiminy: Actually,  I read your site, but I’m just wondering how saying “Indeed” an average of 12 times an hour could be construed as supporting our troops?

Glenn: Well, obviously, if people only have to read a single word of commentary, they have more free time to support Front Line Voices.

MSNBC: So you’re saying Bill Whittle is a terrorist?

Glenn: Exactly.

LA Times: And how does your puppy blending habit support the troops?

Glenn: Good question. In the Middle East, dogs are considered lowly, unclean beasts, so the locals won’t notice if a few million wind up in the bellies of our troops as smooth, creamy, power-shakes. If our brave, uniformed men and women follow the simple recipes in my new book “Puppies for America”, they’ll soon have the energy to splatter terrorists 24-7.

Helen Thomas: I’m cold! What are all you people doing here? Is Reagan still President? Where’s my cat?

Glenn: Shut up, Helen. And for the love of GOD will you PLEASE put some clothes on?

Fox News: Glenn, could you please explain the connection between murdering hobos and ensuring the victory of America’s Armed Forces in their current glorious mission?

Glenn: Happily. Like hobos, terrorists tend to be crazy, rootless wanderers, except with more explosives. By perfecting my hobo-murdering technique and publishing the results in my new book “Hobos for America”, our fearless American fighting forces will be able to kill as many terrorists, and as quickly, with a single hammer as they now can using a MOAB or a nuke.

AP:  Ok, I understand those other items, but how does penguin porn fit into the picture?

Glenn: Hey, for all I do for everyone else, I think I’m ENTITLED to a little quality Glenn-time! You got a problem with that you little hobo-lookin’ SOB?

AP: …no sir…

Glenn: Damn right you don’t. Now, Black Mass starts in a few minutes, so I’ve got time for one more question.

Helen Thomas: What about my cat?

Glenn: Would SOMEONE please get her the hell out of here? Or at LEAST cover her up? Anyway… last question?

Washington Post: Now, I just want to be clear on the main topic here. So… you’re saying the Great Blog War of 2003 is over?

Glenn: n…n…n…n…n…

ABC: What’s he saying?

CBS: His eyes are crossing and uncrossing.

NBC: His face is turning beet red.

New York Times: He’s shaking with such outraged fury that the podium is coming apart in his white-knuckled grip.

Washington Post: I’m sorry Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t quite hear what you said. Is the Blog War over?

Glenn [eyes bulging, spittle flying, bloody hammer waving wildly ]: NOTHING is over! NOTHING! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me I didn't ask you! And I did what I HAD to do to win, for somebody who wouldn't LET us win! Then I come back to the world, and I see all those MAGGOTS at the airport, protestin' me! Spittin'! Callin' me a puppy blender and all kinds of vile CRAP! Who are they to protest me?! Huh?! Who are they?! Unless they BEEN me and BEEN there and know what the hell they’re yellin' ABOUT!

[chaotic jumble of reportery voices]: AHHHH! Help! He’ll kill us all! Run for your lives! Don’t look at Helen on your way out! Women and minorities first! Fair and Balanced!

[dust settles over the now empty room]

Frank J. [stepping in from stage left]: Wow! Now THAT’S how to end a press conference! Reporters are SO gullible.

Glenn: Heh. Indeed. Hmmm…

Frank J.: Dammit Glenn! Stop that!

Glenn: Hmmm… Indeed. Heh.

Frank J.: I’m warning you, Glenn. One more single-word comment out of you and the Blog War is back on, and I’m not stopping for anything this time until your Est is completely Delended!

Glenn:…

[TO BE CONTINUED?]

UPDATE (9-26-03): The. War. Goes. On.