| By Dr. Ben Lerner
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: It stands for Horrible Medical Office, but originally, it came from the phrase "Hey Moe" as in Moe of the Three Stooges who pioneered the most economical medical procedure known today, which is if you want to forget about your pain, poke yourself in the eye.
Q: Does all care require pre-certification?
A: No, only care that you need.
Q: After joining, how do I know how to find a good doctor?
A: All of those on the list will do what is best for you, as long as it's economical and we tell them it's OK. If you want a good doctor, you should go to one not on the list.
Q: Can I get coverage for my pre-existing condition?
A: Yes, as long as you don't expect us to pay for it.
Q: What happens if I want alternative treatment to medicine?
A: You'll need alternative forms of payment.
Q: What if I have a heart attack, a stroke, surgery, or an old condition, all of which may require long-term rehabilitation?
A: Find a cheap doctor or a great stock because our policy is: "If you can stand, you can walk. If you can walk, you are well. And if you are well, we don't pay."
Q: My plan only covers generic drugs, which I heard are even less safe than usual. What if I want a brand name?
A: Convince that particular drug company to offer us a better kickback, or pay for your doctor to go to Hawaii. If that doesn't work, poke yourself in the eye.
Q: I have a $120 per month premium, my doctor's visits are $360, and my co-pay is $5 per /visit. How do you profit or not lose money?
A: The doctor promises us not to provide any treatments that cost us any money, and we promise to send his nurses enough co-pays to cover their salary and the doctor's rent. The drug companies cover the golf, tennis or whatever else it is that doctors do anyway.
Q: What do I do if I get sick when I am away?
A: You really should wait until you get home to get sick because we do not have any deals worked out with out-of-town doctors.
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor will not allow me to go. Can a general practitioner really correct your spine, write a prescription for glasses, and perform a heart transplant in his office?
A: Listen, you got an HMO so you can have affordable coverage right? Well, you might as well have it all done in one place for one price where you know you are covered. All you are risking is the $10 co-payment, so there really is no harm in giving him a shot. | 
