*** I am out of time tonight -- Final editing later ***
Several years ago, I wrote a collection of words for a friend exploring what it means to say a couple is compatible. Almost all of the words started with the letter 'C'. The index card I wrote on is one of hundreds that I have stored away. I don't have time to retrieve that index card at the moment, but here is what I remember. I should note that with one exception; Chemistry, this compatibility applies to all sorts of relationships, including long lasting fraternal relationships and business partnerships; and indeed translate chemistry and an explainable attraction, it can apply in those relationships as well.
Compatibility involves several dimensions:
- Commonality -- the Couple must have enough in common for there to be a glue that wholes them together.
The three most important areas of Commonality are Values, Interest and Vision.
- Common values are the basis for trust and for life decisions. If the Couples don't share common values, conflicts will likely be deep and difficult, if not impossible to resolve.
- Common interest forms the basis for building & expanding the relationship. Common interest means each partner naturally does or enjoys many of the same things. Things that you would enjoy doing without your partner, but that doing them with your partner is icing on the cake. My mother once pointed out to me the importance of common interest. I had asked her if she and daddy ever fell out of love with each. To my surprise, she said all couples fall in and out of love all the time ... however if they keep doing together the things they each like to do and then one day, "you wake up back in love again". Note: couples have to be careful to maintain common interest that go beyond children. Children can be all consuming, but one day, hopefully, they grow up and go their own ways. On that day, a couple who has not maintained other common interest will likely struggle to find common interest.
- Common vision (direction and dreams) -- it is much easier to be in a relationship where you each have similar visions of the relationship and where each of the partners are trying to get. It does not have to be the same place, a synergistic place will do almost as well. It also helps if each feel that it is easier to get there together than separately.
- Complementary -- Although commonality is important, it is also important that there be differences. Studies show we seek to complete ourselves with out mates. We tend to find mates who are strong where we are weak. If he likes to cook, but not clean; and she likes to clean but not cook -- they a complementary in this regard. Note: this complementariness can also a source of conflict if it is not recognized and appreciated. Being able to compromise and find balance is vital. She is a risk taker; he likes to play it safe. She adds excitement and a moderate amount of risk taking to his life; he adds balance and caution to hers. In so doing, they complement each other. It is particularly fortunate when they can divide up the daily chores of living naturally, without conscious thought or "horse trading".
- Chemistry -- there is something inexplicably magical about being in the other's presence; one misses the other when they are apart. In romantic couples there is a sexual attraction for each other; each feels a longing when they are apart. This does not have to be the strong attraction of the newly in love, what science call the 'infatuation stage of a relationship', that burns like a campfire; it can be a softer and more sustained, like the warmth of burning coals. It compels you to want to sit close, to touch; to cuddle, to make love. Or in the case of non-romantic friendships, to simply want to hang out together. The absence of chemistry in a romantic relationship leaves one vulnerable to temptation from others.
The above are what I would call the big three. The following enhance the relationship and takes it the the level of true deep and abiding friends:
- Cooperation -- working together comes easily
- Comfort -- there is something, perhaps indescribable about the relationship that one feels at ease in the presence of one's partner. One does not feel one has to "tip toe" around; "watch what you say"; "be something you are not". Being with each other is not work; rather it is refreshing & re-invigorating
- Company -- there is a sense of contentment in each others presence.
- Compartmentalization -- it is also important that a couple have separate interest, separate areas of their life where they stay in touch with themselves. It is in the compartments of their lives that they don't share, that they remain in touch with themselves and that forms the basis of fascinated with each other. This of course requires mutual respect and trust.
One more characteristic was described by Plato. Plato wrote of humans becoming powerful enough to challenge the gods. As a precaution, the gods split their souls into two parts: a male and a female part and scattered about the planet. The souls then wandered the earth looking for it's other half. This brings one more attribute of compatibility which, for rare couples, is the finding of one's Soul mate:
Finally, Kurt Vonnegut writing in the science fiction book "Cat's Cradle" (1963) described a couple on an airplane as a "Duprass". This duprass couple is so close to each other that they revolve around one another and no one else can come into the fold. Even their kids, who will benefit from the warmth as planets benefit from the sun, will not be able to penetrate their bond. Note: according to Vonnegut, the security and the warmth this provides the children more than makes up for anything lost. This gives rise to one other concept:
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Covalence -- technically, this means the forming of a bond between two atoms as the result of sharing electrons. This bond is so close and so complete that others can only admire and visit with the couple. Each of the partners feel that he or she needs the other for continued existence. Once joined, not even death can separate them. Duprass according to Vonnegut often die within days of each other; or on an anniversary (each others, or the other's death). The surviving mate of a duprass, never remarry and never deeply love another.
10:57:41 PM 
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