Last year, the first National Talk Like a Pirate Day was a huge
success, as measured by the number of messages on my answering machine
consisting entirely of people going ''Arrrrr.'' So if you're feeling
depressed -- if you think the world is in terrible shape, and one
person like yourself can't make a difference -- remember this: You're
right. So you might as well talk like a pirate. It's easy! For example,
when you answer the phone, instead of ''Hello,'' you say ''Ahoy!''
Then you hang up. Scurvy telemarrrrrketers!