| Paradise Lost?
Things have been so thoroughly good, so unexpectedly good, so unproblematically good that I have been consciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. When, I wondered, is this going to crash and burn ?
Well, maybe that's what happened last night. I'm not sure.
B- looked stressed, uncomfortable. Something was on his mind. He said he didn't want to burden me with it while I was cramming on deadline. I said I wanted to hear. The sick feeling in my stomach was the premonition that the next thing coming was, "I like you, but..." We left the restaurant and went to his place.
And that was what he said. Sort of. Apparently he's been utterly emotionally sandbagged by the developments in our relationship. It was, in fact, not in his plans to be anything other than my good friend. He managed to be oblivious to the substantial erotic undertow between us until all of a sudden he found himself going down for the third time.
So he's now trying to catch his breath and ask himself what this actually means. Is he no longer single? Does he think we have a chance in the longer term? He has scruples. He doesn't want to string me along. He's not a frivolous person in these matters, and he doesn't want to go forward unless he's prepared to really invest in an intimate relationship.
I told him I'd agonized over it myself, and decided that I had nothing to lose by exploring the possibility ~ that I felt that we had what it took to be good friends even if the romantic relationship didn't work out. I thanked him for his candor, and I meant it.
We talked some about the big questions: the context of our mutual circle of friends, marriage, children, the age difference. He's most concerned about the first and the third. He was dismissive of the last, which surprised me. He announced without missing a beat that my half-inch (or so) height advantage doesn't bother him in the least. We reaffirmed the spectacular intensity of our mutual attraction.
Once the conversation began, I found myself in a state of remarkable calm. He was really anxious, and I give him a lot of credit for broaching the difficult subject. He clearly doesn't want to either get hurt himself or to hurt me. He's obviously boggled by the situation, which is somehow unlike others for him (but not because of the obvious externalities). Somehow I'm mostly experiencing a strange sense of peace and confidence. I feel things are going to be okay, however they work out. I don't know why.
I do know that I'll be very sad if he decides that he doesn't want to explore the full spectrum of what we might have between us. I think it could be truly wonderful. But if it's not right for him, it can't be right for me (and vice versa).
B- is the first man in my life I'd consider having a family with.
(I can't believe I wrote that last sentence.)
4:43:52 PM  |
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