I discovered a distressingly personal and financial setback Tuesday, around ten in the morning. It cost me much in terms of sleep and personal equanimity. I am trying to determine how to best go about resolving it in a manner that will keep all involved civil and alive.
It was so shocking, so completely unexpected, that I could not breathe for an hour. I am devastated. I feel betrayed on a level I have not felt since I was fourteen. Several years ago, coming out of college, I aimed exceedingly high in terms of grad schools, but one grad school actually sat on the fence. One of my mentors who had not been consulted in my decision to go to an advanced degree in experimental psychology found out about it when he was contacted as a work-reference by the fence-sitter; he was a prominent experimental neuroscientist for whom I had done only web work, no real science, and I had not bothered to put my one project with him on my CV. He told them I was not worth their time, having no real experience with my work. He then set about recruiting me for his program. I eventually rejected it. The day I found out about the reference, it came from someone else, as I had not worked with him in ages. I was so infuriated that when I got home I trashed my room.
This is worse than that. This thing that has happened to me can only be compared to a childhood betrayal because that is when trust matters, and the point when you first discover certain personal relationships cannot be trusted is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever discovered. This cuts to a level beyond anger, to the point where I am afraid to trust anyone with the secret. The money is of some great concern to me, but the personal betrayal and the fear of the consequences to the person is worse. What could possess someone to do what has been done to me? After a great deal of thought and prayer, I have figured out an approach, but am truly afraid of the consequent fallout.
10:31:27 PM 
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