Sunday, October 05, 2003

I caught my left hand in one of the patio umbrellas tonight. I felt a sharp pinch, pulled my hand away, and my hand stayed. Tried to pull again, my hand stayed. Tried to pul again, harder, and my hand stayed. Tried to hold onto the umbrella with my other hand and pull, and my hand stayed. Tried to hold onto the umbrella with my legs and pull and my hand stayed. Tried to hold onto the umbrella with my legs and pull with my free hand, and meanwhile my volume of ows is getting louder and louder as I'm imagining the fire department coming and removing the umbrella from profoundly pained passed out Ben. I finally, after trying to free the umbrella portion, ended up getting my wits about me and using the crank to raise the umbrella, looked briefly at my hand, which looked as if it was some Will E. Coyote cartoon abomination, a Benflesh mold of the space between the shaft and the hub, and ran inside to ice it, sweating profusely and feeling nauseated. I think my body felt as if something extremely traumatic was going on, possibly because of the number of nerve cells in my hand, but I think, especially having iced it immediately, that all I'll have is a nasty crescent shaped blood blister tomorrow. As I'm thinking more about taxation and businesses, I remembered Leona Helmsley allegedly telling one of her housekeepers (who must have hated the woman to be willing to testify in court on such a minor statement) that taxes were for the little people. I'm still torn between the idea of an economy that rationally plans for human needs, and one that uses, at least for now, a greed motivator to advance society - those who create jobs and middle class stability rewarded for their largess in simply taking the risks to assure that distributed prosperity, rather than government redistributing that wealth. I'm also torn, just thinking of the fact that in the U.S., liberal democrats may be more a detriment to real change than the most heinous of Republicans. I'd almost like to see another 8 to 12 years of Republican hegemony just to get the working class really riled up for fundamental structural change, a return to the IWW days. BUT I also think that we're not there yet as a societal organism, that we would recreate the same loci of power, populated by "party" bosses rather than capitalists. Democrats represent compassionate conservativism, making the marketplace safe for capitalists and workers alike by ensuring some balance of power. I'm generally thinking too much right now. 9:23:54 PM

Loki is outside on the backporch, looking expectently at the racoon tree next door. I wonder if he awaits their return every year. If that has become his raison d'etre' - someday, the racoons will come again. And until then, I will wait. There is something to be found. I think it was Percy Walker who said that to be in the search is to be on to something; not being on to something is to be in despair. The universe is teaching me every day in small ways to wait and see, wait specifically and find what I'm looking for. I'm almost embarassed by how short the lessons are, and how reactive I find myself at times still, trying to find my shoe insert tonight, and catching myself before my cursing, looking up and finding it right there. Waiting and seeing at the restaurant the last couple nights, when things looked bad. When I learn to apply that to WebSanity, waiting and seeing what goes down with the Zoo next week, before I curse. It's easier to embrace on an intellectual level than a visceral one. My head can tell me to chill, but my gut can't. And sometimes I can use that to drive through tough situations - sometimes it makes situations tougher. 12:15:18 AM