Saturday, October 11, 2003

I braved new shoes at the restaurant tonight. I thought about wearing them on a weeknight, but thought I should just tough it out, break them in. I remember hiking all over London in my hiking boots, breaking them in before my trip. I learned so much about the benefits of travelling light that trip, more fully realized in 1996, on my whirlwind coast to coast visits. I just wish it didn't rain as often as it seems to when I go off into the woods with nothing but an old ground cloth and my hammock. Although that's been more than enough to keep the rain off, and barring rain, let me sleep comfortably, my body exposed equally, the mosquitoes able to distribute their bites across a wider surface area, avoiding their constant humming around my head. I used to believe that mosquitoes didn't bite me as frequently as others because I didn't kill bugs, but I think it has more to do with my basic metabolism and oxygen consumption. I suspect that I just don't breathe as much as other people, limiting the huge carbon dioxide beacons mosquitoes follow from our exhales. Probably less so now. I miss camping. When I told Dr. Gould that I had some tension from breaking up, officially, last night, she did some body work that made me realize that some treatment modalities are either just completely hokey, or simply don't work. While I think there are pent up areas of tension, some of which may tie back to early childhood pain, I think the focus could more effectively be applied to where that tension is immediately. I can feel it in my head, right above my right eye, and in my lower back, the sublimation of emotional pain into physical locations. I think of myself as so stoic, but that emotion has to find its way out somewhere, or some way of retreat. While there were too many things causing too much pain for me to stay in the situation as it was, she is such an amazing extraordinary woman that I'll always ocassionally have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, wishing that something would have happened differently, that the outcome was that odd compatibility. But so it is, and the cold will linger for a while, and then go away. But with the finality, I am finally missing her, already. 12:43:28 AM