I'm not myself these days, I keep trying to be a this strange morning person and I'm just not happy and I feel like I'm in a complete fog when I do get up early. I'm stressed out and feel like I'm scrambling to get everything done in one day and it making me nuts. The occasionally getting up one day early is ok if the next day I just get to take the day off, I'm fine but everyday - I hate it. I really hate it. There are days I can't remember what the hell I did all day because I feel like I'm exhausted and trying to be something I'm not and then I go to a client's site and think did I really do those entries, what was I thinking.
Today was one of those days, I woke up at 6am second day in a row, I know I was bitchy and frustrated and generally exhausted. I ended up emailing all my clients again to reschedule because all I wanted was to take a shower and go back to sleep. Shower ugh, I get into these modes of trying to do to much and I forget about myself, things like taking a shower or doing laundry or dishes or anything, I'm like in zombie robot mode where I'm not happy and just on auto pilot and smoking way way too much.
And no one tells you how much a house is going to cost you or the things you have to do like getting all your trees pruned, I had a guy come out to prune all the trees and clean up the yard, tear down the shed, prune everything back so it will grow big and strong in the spring but my tree, my beautiful elm tree in the front - he pruned it back really far and its looks like a poor tree with barely any limbs on it - ok yes, I understand that it was too close to the house and their was a big branch about to break and fall on my car but still what happened to my tree? He said he balanced it so it wouldn't split down the middle and fall on my house - ok but it better grow back and be pretty again. And my fig tree in the back, he pruned just a little too much on it and now I can see the neighbor's yard - it better grow back too big and healthy because I really loved that big fig tree flowering and blocking my neighbor's yard and my backyard - damn its huge without that ugly shed in the back, it is big enough for a pool if I so wish there to be one.
What else is bothering me beside my sleep pattern is all messed up and my hours are all funky. I'm lonely, I'll admit it. I wish I had someone to share this house adventure with. Yes, I have friends but I want something more and yes, I know if I let the magick happen, it will happen but sometimes I wish it WOULD HAPPEN ALREADY! Everyone keeps telling me I need a vacation but its no fun taking one without sharing it with someone, my employees keep telling me to go to hawaii and lay in the sun - alone, boring.I know Zy is going to read this and think lets go but its not the same, ya know. Sometimes I wish I had what she has.
Oh, I met someone and now if I could just remove cotton from mouth and speak when he's around, I might be able to ask him out. I like him, I'm shy when I like someone. He's a total night owl too. He was telling me he usually sleeps in til 10am then gets up and gets coffee, gets sidetracked, starts to work, gets sidetracked and finally gets going about noon and gets home about midnight and goes to bed around 2-3 - sounds like my normal life when I'm not trying to be some weird morning person. I totally understand his whole routine, its like he was talking about me. He cute, he gots this grin that just lights up the room and his eyes, oh my. Anyways, shy girl here needs to talk when he's around instead of staring..he was interested when we met, we were talking about things, what things I don't remember random everyday things, I know he's single, he told me about his ex-gf and how they are still friends, good sign. He's straight and single - this much I know. He's a photographer. Next time I see him, I'll speak.
Other things bothering me: I have a client that a such a pain, he doesn't know how many checking accounts he has or doesn't understand how long it actually took to fix his mess and only agreed to 10 hours to fix everything but says he wants to be fair and pay me for my work but no more than 10 hours - well it took 40 hours and I'm eating 30 hours of my employees time because I won't do a crappy job and I thought I was done with it and he just sent me more stuff.
So things that need to change, I'm a night owl. I am period. Its 11pm right now and I'm completely awake and ready to go and do my work. I went back to sleep at 5pm and woke up at 6.49pm freaked out that I had missed a whole day and come to find out I'd only sleep for an hour and half, totally wide awake - could have been the adrenaline that I overslept that got me going or maybe I just slept the extra couple of hours I didn't get today, who knows but I do know that I got so much more work done tonight then I did today while in a fog. And no more estimating a job until I see everything that the client has, then I will estimate the work.
Saturday, I'm going to do something for me - I'm going to the spa and relaxing and starting next week - I am sleeping in til at least 10am and then I will work from 12noon til 2am because that seems to be my awake period otherwise I'm just in a fog and not happy. There are night owls out there and we should just embrace that's who we are and not try to be something we're not. Besides, I met another night owl and I know we're out there.
11:38:55 PM 
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