so i don't know what it is lately but lately I feel completely energized yet on the verge of tears then exhausted then energized again. I was thinking that maybe I was just feeling overwhelmed with all this work that keeps piling up but what i forgot about is what I was diagnosed with many many moons ago..manic-depressive illness which they now call bipolar disorder and what I was just reading about it because you know I should brush up on whatever it is that's going on with me, researching the details, helps me understand it better and the mixed bipolar state aka a person may have a very sad, hopeless mood while at the same time feeling extremely energized, which is exactly how I've been feeling the last few days, I couldn't quite put my finger on it why the hell I was feeling so good yet wanting to cry. I'm not neccessarily feeling hopeless just like I'm in a dense fog struggling to get out or maybe that is what hopeless feels like and yet I'm wide awake, yesterday I work 12 hours straight and was still wide awake when i got home, the day before I was exhausted and slept most of the day shrugging all responsibilites.
Anyways when I was first diagnosed, they put me on prozac, horrible horrible drug and I had to be weaned off of it over a course of a few months and I vowed to myself at that point, I wasn't going to take drugs for this illness. That I would learn how to deal with it. Blogging helps, it gets this crap out of my head, these intense weird hyper, sad, whatever feelings out of my head and I haven't been doing that enough.
Now if you're my mom and you are reading this, don't worry, I'm just trying to figure this out. I'm ok.
I was reading the boy with the shoes' post about bipolar disorder which so explains it all, probably better than I've ever been able to explain it and it made so much sense to me because maybe those periods of when I have no interest in working or feeling exhausted are my re-charge periods where my brain just temporarily shuts down thus giving me renewed energy for the next go round and when I was sufficiently making sure I was recharged on a monthly basis, my brain didn't need to switch off for long periods because when I recharge, I'm full of boundless energy. And the whole thing were I can stay up for a couple of days at a time and then recharge for one full day is just how my brain and body work, its not weird and I'm not on drugs, I'm just different, a different human bean.
And I don't know that I'm really sad, i was energized and happy today yet crying, deeply crying and couldn't figure out why I had such a mixed state of emotions coursing through my head but now it all makes sense. And I agree its hard to form relationships when one minute your up and then next your down or in my case up/down at the same time.
No one ever sees it, really sees what is going on with me. I tend to hide it from the outside world because if you really knew would you like me, would you understand me, would you want me to work for you? Would understand that when I really like you, that I tend to have mixed emotions about what I'm feeling or sometimes blurt it all out or sometimes keep it all hidden inside or constantly wonder if you like me? its all those whatifs dancing around in my head! Sometimes I just need reassurance but I won't ask for it.
This mixed state sometimes just sucks, I can remember passwords and details but if you tell me something like room 3 with the blue flag lately I have to keep repeating it to myself to go to room 3 with the blue flag even if room 3 is 2 steps away because I can't remember which room I was suppose to go to 10 seconds ago.
I feel so much better - its all explainable. I'm not losing my mind, its just a different functioning mind. I found my marbles or maybe they found me.
1:18:39 AM 
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