FRENCH ASSISTANCE
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
In a US Army camp on the outskirts of Baghdad, Private John "Lucky"
Lukowski, frustrated by his inability to complete his assigned duties,
seeks the assistance of his Sergeant, William "Rocky" Stone…
Pvt: Look, Sarge, I understand the importance of Operation Useful Frenchman, but I really don't know if this is going to work.
Sgt: Lucky, we've got our orders. The President decided that, in the
interests of getting France to shut the f*** up, we'd give them
something to do in Iraq that didn't pose a security risk. The President
told the Generals, the Generals told the Lieutenants, the Lieutenants
told the Sergeants, and then I told you: "Keep the damn Frogs busy."
The shit has followed standard operating procedure and rolled downhill,
right into your lap. I'm counting on you to make it happen.
Pvt: It's not that I'm not touched by your faith in me, Rocky, but it just doesn't seem to be working out.
Sgt: Son, I really hate to hear an American fighting man tell me that a
job can't be done. Don't tell me you've just been sitting on your ass
the last couple weeks? You submitted a list of tasks you thought Pierre
& Co. could accomplish, I approved it, and you've had complete
freedom to make it happen. Maybe you better tell me what's been
happening. Let's start with this first item... Building a baseball
diamond?
Pvt: Yeah. I thought maybe if the Iraqi kids learned about fun American customs like baseball, they might grow to love us.
Sgt: I really liked that idea. Putting the French to work spreading American culture. The sweet, delicious irony. What happened?
Pvt: Well, since the Whiteflaggers don't know anything about baseball, I thought I should have 'em practice with with the chalk line marker cart to make sure they could walk 90 feet in a straight line.
Sgt: Good thinking. Where'd they practice?
Pvt: Boom-Boom Alley.
Sgt: WHAT? You had them walking through an un-cleared minefield?
Pvt: You TOLD me to!
Sgt: [whacking Lucky upside the head] Damn it, Lucky! I told you "Zoom-Zoom Alley", the air-to-ground live-fire range! No wonder the Air Force has been riding my ass about not having enough targets!
Pvt: Sorry 'bout that. But on the bright side, the minefield is pretty
much cleared now, and the local vultures have never looked so fat and
sleek.
Sgt: I'm sure the Audubon Society will be thrilled… How 'bout this next one... War criminal search & rescue?
Pvt: My theory is that dictators and their hump-backed henchman aren't the most creative folk in the world, so we're looking for the last 13 in the same sorts of places that we found the others.
Sgt: Interesting theory. Which means... what, exactly, in practice?
Pvt: Well, I was going to have the Soap-Dodgers peek in every septic tank in Baghdad…
Sgt: What happened?
Pvt: First time out, we popped the cover on a poop pit, and ol'
Jean-Luc-Pinhead shouted "cuisine à la maison!" and dove in head first.
Drowned pretty quick, but he seemed to die happy.
Sgt: And you just lost the one?
Pvt: More like one hundred. It
was almost spooky how they just jumped right in, one after another. It
was like watching a pack of hippies stampede over a cliff into the sea.
Sgt: You mean lemmings.
Pvt: Yeah, lemmings. Sorry. Just a bit of personal fantasy there.
Sgt: Oh well, as long as there's a few less Snail-Snappers in the
world… So how about this other one… Assist local farmers with animal
husbandry chores?
Pvt: I really thought we had a winner with that one. Seems the local
farmers are experimenting with artificial insemination techniques in
their goat herds. I figured the Stinky Pierres would make great barnyard animal masturbators.
Sgt: Having known a few French women, I have to agree that I can't
think of anyone more qualified to bring a smelly, hairy animal to
orgasm than a French man. How'd that work out, Lucky?
Pvt: They took to it like fish to water. I haven't heard happy-animal noises like that since Howard Dean's Iowa speech, but…
Sgt: But? But what? I thought you said they were good at it?
Pvt: Yeah, well… they didn't just use their hands…
Sgt: Not just their…Oh... I see… Well, I suppose as long as they spit…
Pvt: Swallowed.
Sgt: Hmmm... So I guess the Iraqi farmers are pretty pissed about the whole thing?
Pvt: Actually, not so much. A lot of the farmers had video cameras, and
what with internet connections becoming more and more common around
here, I'm thinking Paris Hilton isn't going to be the #1 Google hit for
"skanky sex" much longer.
Sgt: You're probably right. Well, Lucky, I'm about sick of these
pants-wetting rifle-droppers. Maybe you should take the rest of 'em out
on Septic Patrol. Tell 'em we found an underground restaurant that
makes it just like momma.
Pvt: With pleasure, Rocky.
Sgt: And Lucky?
Pvt: Yeah, Sarge?
Sgt: SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 8:25:53 PM permalink HOME
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