SNAKES
(A FILTHY LIE)
Via Heather, I became aware of this story. Seemed innocent enough. A man gets bitten by a snake at a Texas Wal-Mart. No big deal, right? But then I noticed that the man's name was Hatchett, which sounds suspiciously like a hobo-murdering tool, so I wondered if it could be an alias for Evil Glenn. I called an inside source and obtained the audio tape from store security. Here's the transcript:
Evil Glenn: Let's see. Need some new shoes... oooooh, these pretty pink open-toed sandals look fabulous! Wonder if they come in a size 10?
Snake: Pssst! Glenn!
Evil Glenn: What the...? A talking snake? Oh, you must be Satan. Hey, sorry about Black Mass the other night. Those candles looked black when I grabbed them. How was I supposed to know they were blueberry-cobbler-scented votives? Even so, I still thought they were plenty evil for a Tuesday night service and…
Snake: Shut up, will ya? I'm not Satan. I'm just a normal talking snake, like you'd find anywhere in Texas.
Evil Glenn: Kinda weird, but ok. What do you want?
Snake: Some of the other snakes asked me to talk to you about that tattoo on your left hand.
Evil Glenn: The one with the two penguins going at it that says "penguinperv.com"?
Snake: Oops. Sorry. I meant your right hand. Being limbless, I get those confused a lot.
Evil Glenn: Oh, you mean the one that shows a penguin using a snake for a sex toy?
Snake: Yeah, that one.
Evil Glenn: Gotta spice things up somehow. Not my fault snakes are so phallic.
Snake: I hear that a lot. But the point is that the members of the Slitherers Anti-Defamation League are really up in arms about this, figuratively speaking, and we think you should get it removed.
Evil Glenn: Look, scale-face, it's my life, my body, and still a free country. I can do whatever the hell I want.
Snake: Don't mess with me, Puppy Blender. I've got 2-inch fangs & more venom than Kate with PMS.
Evil Glenn: Whatever. Go take a hike. Oh. I forgot. You don't have any feet. Heh. Indeed.
Snake: Right! That does it! I'll just chew your damn hand off you miserable, subhuman scumbag!
Evil Glenn: Lawy...
Snake: [BITE! BITE! BITE!]
Evil Glenn: OW! My precious fleshy artwork! Die snake!
[STOMP! STOMP!]
Evil Glenn: Oh geez! My hand's swelling up like Ted Kennedy's head. Hey! You! The Wal-Mart employee in the blue vest! Can I get a snake-bite kit over here?
Wal-Martian: Dude. Like, I'm on break right now.
Evil Glenn: AHHHHH! The pain! I'm dying!
Wal-Martian: Dude! I'm Game-Boying here. Almost finished with level 267 of Tetris. Just chill.
Evil Glenn: Strength... failing... Must... blend... puppy...
Wal-Martian: Dude! Did you, like, just call me a guppy? I am SO not a guppy. As soon as I get off break, I'm kicking your ass.
Evil Glenn: help... dying... puppy... Rosebud... [slumps to floor]
Wal-Martian: Crap! The screen filled up. Game over, man. So, how may I help you?
Evil Glenn: *twitch*
Wal-Martian: Dude! You're like, really messed up & shit. Let me phone my supervisor... Mr. Skinner? Yeah. Looks like we got another snake bit victim in aisle 3... Alive? I dunno. He's still twitching, so I guess so... Pulse?… Just a sec...
[grabs Evil Glenn's wrist]
Dude! Nice penguin porn!
Sadly, Evil Glenn was taken to the hospital where he made a full recovery. But at least now we know the secret of his tattoo, which will make him that much easier to spot next time he does his naked, drunken, bar-top Robot Dancing.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 8:34:27 PM permalink HOME
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