SAILING
(A FILTHY LIE)
Matt was wondering if I was going to celebrate the Navy's 228th birthday. Well, I already did. In honor of the great event, I recently took a tour of my old ship, the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise. I didn't manage to get back off before the ship left, however, so I was stuck on board for a while. The Enterprise was bound for the Persian Gulf in preparation for some F-14-style terrorist-whackin'.
As we rounded the southern tip of Africa, the captain decided that he needed some fresh ice for his tea, and we anchored of the coast of Antarctica.
While I was wandering around the frozen wasteland, awaiting our departure, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins.
Harv: Evil Glenn! What are you doing here?
Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?
Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."
Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.
Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?
Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.
Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...
Evil Glenn: Hel-LO? I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to lay a guilt trip on Yassir Arafat. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.
Harv: What "list of movies"?
Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...
Harv: That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...
Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.
Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...
Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!
Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...
Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.
Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?
Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!
Evil Glenn:...
Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at HQ.
Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...
Harv: Leaving now!
Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...
The rest of the trip was uneventful, and thanks to some professional help and a lot of drinking, the mental wounds are healing nicely. I just wanted to let everyone know that a new batch of penguin porn will be on the streets soon unless the puppy-blending pervert is stopped. Meanwhile, don't buy any porn unless it's certified penguin-free.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
posted by Harvey at 9:21:28 PM permalink HOME
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