FILTHY DRUNKEN LIAR
Ok, so last Friday I went out to Madfish Willie's bar just to see what the folks was up to. Happy Hour was pretty quiet, just The Bartender washing up glasses & throwing occasional chunks of beef jerky to that snarly, drooly rottweiler of the Emperor's that he was watching while Misha & Frank were busy ClueBattin' some hippies across the street. Then I noticed Matt O'Blackfive sittin' in the corner, drinkin' his usual 6 beers at once. He waved me over and told me he had a confession to make.
Matt: Harv, I'm thinking of quitting the Alliance & throwing in with Evil Glenn.
Harv: Matt... you CAN'T be serious! You're the PATHFINDER! We need you and your eagle eye to monitor the Axis troublemakers!
Matt: I know, I know. You think this is easy for me? I know that puppy-blendin' sumbitch needs to get taken down. I know that in my heart, but...
Harv: But what? How the hell can their be a "but"? Don't you remember the evil tatoos? The naked Robot Dancing?
Matt: Hmmm. Let me check my arm... Nope. All it says is Susie... rack... thong... YUM!
Harv: Yeah, I know what you mean. *sigh*. OH! uh, anyway, what about quitting the Alliance?
Matt: Uh... Oh, yeah. It's just that, well... I'm just thinking... what with all Evil Glenn's hobo-murderin' for Satan, he's got some good connections, and well... with the Cubbies in the playoffs & all... I was just sorta thinkin'...
Harv: Let me see if I got this straight. You'd be willing to sell your soul to Satan, murder hobos, and give up beer for puppy shakes for the rest of your life just to see the Cubs win the World Series?
Matt: 95 YEARS, HARV! IT'S BEEN 95 GOD-DAMNED YEARS! 95! 95! 95! YEARS! YEARS! YEARS!
Harv: Geez, Matt, calm down, willya? Everyone in the bar is staring at us, and...
...and then, from over by the Bartender, we heard him:
Evil Glenn: Indeed.
...all talk of capitulation ceased. Pure courage rushed through our veins, and a steely, beer-fueled resolve compelled us to...
Well, I'll let The Bartender tell the rest of the story...
posted by Harvey at 11:05:02 PM permalink HOME
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