Binky
Those of you who know Joe know what an off-centre kind of humour he has. It's one of the things that I love the most about him. Anyway, for the last few years Joe has been teaching a business admin course, and every year on the final exam he has gotten students to write a business letter based on a bogus situation involving an exotic pet store (I'll provide the letter and one of the student's responses in a moment). Last night Joe came home with a stack of about 100 of these student letters, saying he wanted to compile some of them into a bathroom book and what did I think. Well, I was rolling on the floor gasping for breath after reading some of them, and I just have to share one with you. You can decide if he and I have completely lost it!
Here's the assignment:
As an exotic animal dealer in Vancouver, you have dealt with your share of customers experiencing buyer's regret. Despite your warnings, many of them still buy their exotic pets for the wrong reasons. When Melissa Carpenter bought Binky, a red-tailed guenon monkey, she begged you to reduce his price to $10,000 because she had "fallen in love with Binky's soulful eyes and adorable button nose." Now she wants to return poor Binky. You have seldom been so angry.
Carpenter's letter to you reads:
"While I was at work, I locked your monkey in his own room - which I equipped with his own colour TV (with cable) and which I spent days wallpapering with animal pictures. Then last night your monkey somehow unlocked the door, ripped out my telephone, opened the refrigerator, smashed eggs all over my kitchen and my new Persian carpet, broke 14 of the china dishes my mother gave me when I got married, and squeezed toothpaste all over the horsehair sofa my grandmother left me in her will!"
Not only does Carpenter demand that you take poor Binky back after she's abused him through her negligence and neglect, but she wants you to pay $100,000 in damages for her carpet, her apartment, and her state of mind.
You know it might be better if you wait until you cool down before you write to Ms Carpenter. You decide to write the letter anyway.
Write to Melissa Carpenter (876 Newton Avenue, Vancouver, B.C., V5L 3R7) and include a copy of her contract. It clearly states your policy: refunds only if animals are returned in good health and absolutely no warrantee against damages. Each pet comes with specific care instructions, including warnings about certain idiosyncrasies that could cause problems in the wrong environment.
Despite the fact that Binky is probably traumatized by his experiences, you have generously decided to accept his return, refunding Ms Carptenter's $10,000. However you will not accept any liability for loss of property or for any claims of mental duress on the part of Ms Carpenter.
Feel free to make up any information needed to write this letter.
______
Student's response:
December 9, 2002
876 Newton Avenue
Vancouver, British Columbia
V5L 3R7
Dear Ms Carpenter:
I am terribly sorry for the incident with your new pet. Although I regret to inform you that the damage caused by Binky cannot be paid by Exotica due to the fact that you signed a contract that states you are in full responsibility for the well being of the pet and care/training.
Attached to this letter is a copy of your licensed contract, which clearly states that refunds are only available in animals are in good health and Binky was returned shaven in poodle style and a red bow tied too tightly around his neck. He also has a case of the flu and was transported to the vet this afternoon for choking on a piece of lipstick that was stored in the little purse he carried in the store yesterday when you returned him. The contract also states that absolutely no warrantee against damages. I am however going to return you the $10,000 you paid for Binky yet I'm not paying for any property damages or mental duress.
I do hope you read the instructions that came with Binky. It included warnings about certain idiosyncrasies that could cause problems in the wrong environment. With condolences to the recent events with Binky, I do hope you return for the Save the Rainforest Festival on December the 27th and thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely,
Jack Hegsted
Owner of Exotica
6:22:39 AM 
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