Monday, March 21, 2005
god zaps kittens.Afraid my opening up will be like a dead kitten story to be mocked... It's lonely today. Like, almost suffocatingly so. For someone who loves the internet as much as I do, I know it's not b/c people are distilled down to essential nouns and verbs without inflection (add: emoticon here),... but because I imagine these voices to be attached to a real life person. What they look like and everything, what kind of underwear they've got on, do they give change to the homeless, what did they have for lunch, what they do at night for fun and games... It's the easiest way I've known for a shy person (really) to get ot the heart of so many people and stories... but there's something missing from the day to day people interaction department in my life. Bipeds like me need packs. Like, real life packs and not internet podcasting packs. (Though, can I convince myself to buy an ipod as an excuse to cast? Eek, my secret life as a burly sailor will be revealed...) We're not meant to be alone in the wilderness with our soft exposed bellies and too big heads right at birth. It does something to the heart to be alone for too long... though I risk the discovery channel metaphors I'm sure. I think that's why I find human contact so intoxicating, some primordial need is being fulfilled when someone steps close into your space and within you. Sure sure, I know it could just be sex or physical gratification, but its not. I mean, CL CE is filled with possibilties if all I want is someone to "fill the void," but casual encounter guy won't delight in discovering the beauty mark on my upper hip. Nor will casual encounter girl think twice about the lone blonde hair down there (thanks mom). Maybe that's it, I miss the delight. But everything old doesn't become new again, I fall out of lust and love like clockwork... and nothing ever feels better than those first gutchurning moments of a relationship-- at least it hasn't for me. Those moments made me fly across the country just for the privilege of driving all the way back with someone who made my belly-flop, made me wrap myself in tinfoil since they asked me to, made me abandon all hope, ye who entered here. I've resigned myself to thinking there is no recapture-reedit of those first moments with someone. The future always fucks those templemoments up, makes them blurry and distorted in my ever aging minds eye. I don't want to dance from flower to flower for moments, I just want one good one to last for a while, before this jag rears its ugly head again in a few years-- once the desires been sated for a while. Maybe it's just me. I know lots of ppl who are happy getting on alone or with random ships passing in the night. I just miss the smell of someone being in my space, but not just *any* person. I don't enjoy sex with people I don't admire or think wow about. I guess I don't like sex enough for it to be anonymous. The... delight is getting under the clothes of someone you really want to get underneath and into. (Carnac sez, stop trolling for comments that say "I've got the right tool for the job!") Enough self-pity. Time to take a hot shower, (buy a new showerhead?!)... finish knitting the sleeve in the beautiful pima tencel, forget about the new smell of a person in bed with you and clean sheets. :)
3:19:12 PM |
Netflix, will you marry me?So every few days I get a loveletter wrapped in red in the mail, addressed just to me in that tickertype letting... ah netflix! *This* is the modern red roses, I'd rather have a netflix sub every month than a box of chocolates :) Mm, I think my next project will be to clean up my queue and figure out the rss syndication to post here on the blog. I want to read more what's in your netflix queue than the stupid 100 blogger questions list... Mine's running at 496 (since they max you at five hundred). My present this weekend? Shogun miniseries, discs one and two. Why hadn't anyone told me how del.icio.us Richard Chamberlain was in this?? Must be the facial hair, I've got lips like burning ashes for magnum pi, too. :) Don't laugh, I love falling in love with men I couldn't have possibly seen in primetime-- I was not so gently told recently that chow yun-fat is old enough to be my daddy (and no, not *that* way)... but wouldn't that be sweet? ;) Of course I pause, rewind, play as Richard dances drunkenly and sings his "sailor song" to the Japanese courtesans (were they? Shogun's the only Clavell novel I haven't read)-- and of course me being me, I'd love to see the lyrics... Dontcha know they're no where to be found? Like I needed another excuse to pause him jumping up and down in his starchy kimono with toshiro mifune stealing all the thunder as he dances on screen... I promised her rings for her fingers Fare thee well to the Spanish blockade Fare thee well to the straits of Gibraltar And thee treacherous seas of Cathay I gave her my word to be married Fare thee well to the Spanish blockade Fare thee well to the straits of Gibraltar And thee treacherous seas of Cathay I built her a cottage in Chatham Fare thee well to the Spanish blockade Fare thee well to the straits of Gibraltar And thee treacherous seas of Cathay But our cottage is too small for a sailor Without the blue sea and the sky Though I swore that I'd never Set sail in foul weather I left her behind at the shore Take me back oh you Barbary merchants  image copyright 1980 David Sarnoff aK gamesgrid
1:22:59 AM |
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2005
Asia K
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Last update: 4/3/2005; 3:00:11 AM .
Last update: 4/3/2005; 3:00:11 AM .
