licentious radio

Wednesday, June 11, 2003
[1:21:29 PM]

I'm learning all kinds of things from TV.

I always thought killing someone was murder, and if done for political reasons, assassination. Turns out it's "targeted killing".

I wonder how even an Israeli journalist can say "targeted killing" instead of assassination.

At *least* they could say "*poorly* target killing", when the target isn't killed, but innocent bystanders are. Or maybe random Palestinians aren't viewed as innocent?

[12:08:39 PM]
George "Big Lie" Bush stopped by Auschwitz in May.

Remarkbly, he said: "And this site is also a strong reminder that the civilized world must never forget what took place on this site."

Everybody has to say something like that, of course. Most presidents don't have as much to lose if anyone ever remembered what actually happened.

You see, "on this site", Bush's grandfather ran a company that used slaves at Auschwitz to make materials for the German war industry. In spring of '42, the feds shut Bush's grandfather's business down. Apparently, making weapons for enemies is frowned upon, but Bush later got the profits back.

Bush family values....

[11:51:18 AM]
Iraqi Trailers Apparently Burrito Wagons

Baghdad (licentious) -- In an embarrassment for the US Administration, Abdullah Hussein (no relation) showed up for work today. He had been wounded in a cluster bomb attack during the war, and only today was he up to a day of burrito making.

To Hussein's surprise, his burrito wagon was swarming with US WMD inspectors, who erroneously believed it was used to produce anthrax and mustard gas.

The inspectors at first refused to believe the sign in Arabic on the wagon read "Jose Hussein's Baghdad Burritos". After that, Hussein was forced to explain about fifty times that the reason there was no trace of anthrax in any of the cooking elements was that he only made burritos, and that he had always assumed anthrax burritos would not be popular.

Hussein was obviously miffed at the tediousness of explaining his burrito business over and over, but all was forgiven when the hungry WMD inspectors all bought burritos and Saddam Colas for lunch.

[11:41:44 AM]
Obfuscation is great.

Remember why the trailers *had* to be so-called WMD makers? It was cuz they had fans. You would only have good fans if you were working with toxic substances, therefore: so-called WMD.

Ha ha ha. You might want fans to get rid of any excess hydrogen, so you don't accidently explode. Spontaneous combustion spoils your day.

Why do we never see photographs of the actual trailers? Because the walls are canvas. Anyone looking at a canvas tent would know that it's not the right facility for making evil doomsday weapons.

[11:36:35 AM]
We take full credit. We did it. It was us.

We've been breaking into Judith Miller's bedroom every night to put a little tinfoil cap on her head while she sleeps. This blocks Donny "Sieg Heil" Rumsfeld's mind control beams.

After only a few nights of this, Ms. Miller started to come to her senses. Now she's even written an article that isn't only Pentagon lies.

We're to blame.

We expect our victory to be short-lived. Ms. Miller will probably be fired for not publishing lies. The New York Times is very sensitive to such scandals, these days.

We hope she gets fired. Otherwise she'll probably be fired *at*. Life is cheap for journalists in U.S. war zones. Guns go off and accidents happen. The chain of command forgets to mention things to tank commanders. (Like: "Those two tall buildings are where the journalists are staying; please don't kill the journalists.")

We hope she gets fired before Mr. Sieg Heil has her offed.