Sick sick sick-as-a-dog sick. Except dogs don’t whine as much. Or maybe they do, I don’t know. No reading getting done; no writing. None of the TiVo’ed shows seem interesting. Despondant and tired. I’m thinking of calling in Monday, which I was thinking of doing last Monday but decided against because I was needed in Philadelphia. Perhaps not the best decision. I made a lot of headway this week but perhaps have destroyed my health.
Good news though is that my work is finally letting unused vacation days carry over the calendar year, instead of paying them off. I would have liked to have done this last year and seen my grandfather before he died, though no one would have liked it if I had done this for three weeks (what I consider the minimum for visiting the Philippines, one week to adjust to the time change, one week to adjust back, leaves you one week where you actually start enjoying being there). They wanted to put me on call for the third week on vacation, which is a bad condition to place on a vacation. Now that I have a great deal of vacation time, I have no reason to use it that I can think of save to go on sabbatical. No place on earth seems interesting to me at this time.
Perhaps subconsciously I unjustly blame my company for my not having seen my grandfather, though when I usually think about it, it all seems a confluence of bad events with 11 September and all having put the fright of flight into everyone. I don’t think I cared about the danger, but then again I am in general unaware of my visceral feelings, which is why I am so often surprised to find myself sweating and shaking with hunger for having forgotten to eat and why it took so long for me to realize that eating a lot of cheese pizza or ice cream gives me dandruff. So maybe I am blaming them without realizing it. During the Los Angeles riots, when the resident house faculty advisor and her boyfriend were driving us out of the city, she asked me how I felt, and I had to make up an answer. I still can’t connect or attach a feeling of visceral fear to external events.
My grandfather died around this time last year. He was much on my mind 2 November, the first All Soul’s Day since.
Fended off a visit from Yen, pleading a disgusting cough.
11:58:26 PM 
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