Tuesday, January 14, 2003

All Is Vanity   “Vanity of vanities. All is vanity! For all his toil, his toil under the sun, what does man gain by it?. . . I have seen everything under the sun and what vanity it all is, what chasing of the wind!” - - Ecclesiastes 1:2-3, 14.   The mid-winter doldrums have set in big time. The holidays are over, the year-end bonuses and shares of the profits have been distributed, spent and some, thankfully, even saved. The reward for a year’s worth of hard work.   And now we start again from zero.   I am having a difficult time getting motivated. Although this is being posted 12 hours later, as I write it is 11:30 am and I’m sitting at my desk at work. An endless stream of paperwork lies before me. Here I am, a prisoner of the “golden handcuffs.” This was the year I swore I’d do something about it. This was the year I swore I’d make a major change. This was the year I swore I’d no longer be a slave to a timesheet accounting for my day in six-minute increments. So what have I done about it so far?   Nothing.   I feel like Sisyphus. I’ve rolled that rock up the mountain all last year and now it’s rolled down the other side and it’s time to start rolling it back up again.   I guess I shouldn’t complain. I have what most people would consider a good job making really good money. But something is missing. Something is strangling my soul. It’s like a small spark inside that’s slowly been dimming and is about to flicker out unless I rekindle it. Maybe I’m burned out. 22 years is a long time to do something you like, and I definitely don’t like this anymore. So what is it I really want? What is it I value?   Time to spend alone with Jesus, and to read God’s Word every day To find and pursue the Lord’s peace The opportunity to do work that is interesting, satisfying and personally meaningful – to cooperate, not compete – to feel respected by those I work with To not have to account for my every waking moment in 6 minute increments Peace of mind, which means, among other things, the absence of excessive anxiety Time with my family Time for just me and my wife Time for myself Exercise A decent home in a quiet place with neighbors who are friendly but mind their own business A few real and true friends The opportunity to travel occasionally to distant places Time to take regular walks in the woods, or at the shore Time to read good books Time to go fishing and skiing with my son Time to scuba dive at least a few times a year Time to see plays and listen to music (live and recorded) To play the trumpet again – maybe in a small group in a little out of the way cafe Real, not fast, food An occasional bottle of good wine  I don’t know if that’s too much to expect. First I have to clear away the weeds of all of life’s anxieties, most of which are of my own creation. I planted them. It’s time to start pulling them up. 11:24:41 PM    Go Ahead, make my day  []