Saturday, January 18, 2003

Theatre Without Pity   It’s time for our first weekly installment of the newest feature on this blog, Theatre Without Pity. Here we take a look through the jaundiced eye of our reviewer, Raoul Bloodsworth, at the latest goings on in the New York theatre scene. Today, Raoul reviews the closing of Dance of the Vampires, a play based upon that classic Roman Polanski movie The Fearless Vampire Killers that starred his former wife, Sharon Tate. However, since Mr. Bloodsworth never saw the play and it is closing, he has wisely chosen to forego shelling out the bust-out retail price to see this monstrosity and has instead relied upon a review by Jesse McKinley of the New York Times, interspersed with his own pithy annotations.   From The NYTimes.com [comments in italics are Mr. Bloodsworth’s]    By JESSE McKINLEY In one of the costliest failures in Broadway history, the producers of "Dance of the Vampires," a $12 million camp musical at the Minskoff Theater, will close the show on Jan. 25, having lost their entire investment. The musical, with music and lyrics by Jim Steinman and Michael Kunze and a book by Mr. Steinman, Mr. Kunze, and David Ives, opened on Dec. 9 to lukewarm reviews and mediocre daily sales. The producers had hoped to fight the show's poor critical reception with new television advertising, but the last two weeks proved particularly difficult, as the weekly box office take dipped below $500,000. (The show's weekly running costs are about $600,000.) [we have unions here in New York] At $12 million, "Vampires" ranks among the most expensive losers in Broadway history, taking its place alongside famous flops like "Capeman" and "Carrie." [I guess they forgot about "Legs Diamond"] The producers had no comment on the closing yesterday, but a spokesman for the show said there were no plans for a cast album or a national tour [of course they believe the great unwashed in this nation’s hinterlands have no taste whatsoever, does that surprise you?], which might mitigate some of the losses. Loosely based on Roman Polanski's 1967 horror movie spoof, "The Fearless Vampire Killers," [a classic, right up there with "Young Frankenstein" ] and starring the onetime "Phantom of the Opera" star Michael Crawford, [they put all their eggs in one basket] "Dance of the Vampires" tells the comic [sic] story of a lusty bloodsucker [lawyer?] (Mr. Crawford) who chases a vestal virgin across Lower Belabartokovich. The show came to New York after successful runs in Austria and Germany [remember, the Wehrmacht had a successful run there] (it is still playing in Stuttgart), where Mr. Steinman, known for writing pop hits for the singer Meat Loaf, is considered a serious composer. [What is it about Europe? They consider Jerry Lewis a serious filmmaker in France.] For its Broadway incarnation, the American producers — a largely new group [translation: they found some suckers] — assembled a fresh and talented, if somewhat untested, creative team, including the director John Rando and the choreographer John Carrafa, who both became famous for their work on "Urinetown," an Off Broadway hit that made the leap to Broadway last year. The producers were [over]confident enough to announce early last year that "Dance of the Vampires" would open on Broadway "cold," [D.O.A.] or without the customary out-of-town run used to fine-tune productions. The show also sold well before opening, largely on the strength of Mr. Crawford's name. But "Vampires" began to show signs of trouble in the middle of the fall. Laden with a variety of expensive stage tricks, [translation: weak plot] it was forced to cancel its first two previews in October because of technical problems. Several special effects designed by David Gallo were also scrapped a few weeks before opening. [that idea of drenching the front 7 rows in pig's blood just really wasn't well thought out] Then, just after previews began, Mr. Rando was forced to leave the production for two weeks because of a family emergency, [that's their story and they're sticking to it] which delayed the opening by two and a half weeks. There were also creative differences. [it stunk and everybody said it was everybody else's fault] Shortly after the show's opening, Mr. Steinman himself complained to the news media, saying he felt the show had become too jokey and broad compared with its German production, which was more arch and scary. [I guess this guy didn't learn anything from Elton John about which side your bread is buttered on] His dissatisfaction was made obvious when he did not attend the musical's opening. [never a good sign] "Dance of the Vampires" became a favorite target of critics, [once they smell the blood in the water there's no holding them back] who characterized it as a messy failure, an image that television advertising apparently could not reverse in the minds of ticket buyers. [i.e., those little old ladies with the blue hair that come in on the buses] Its gross for the week ending on Sunday, $459,784, was its lowest, [remember, one set of books for the investors and the IRS and one set of books for us] and that, finally, was the kiss of death for the show. "Dance of the Vampires" will close having played more previews (61) than performances (56). © 2003 The New York Times 2:41:47 PM    Go Ahead, make my day  []