Sunday, October 26, 2003

Rock, Paper, Losers Just when you thought the human race was worth keeping around, a group of losers, ummm... I mean competitors, rises up to show everyone that perhaps we shouldn't remain at the top of the food chain. What do centuries of culture and technology add up to?  What do thousands of years of progress finally amount to?  After all this time, what does humanity have to say for itself? The Rock, Paper, Scissors International World Championships. No, I'm not kidding. What next?  The National Tic-Tac-Toe League? The RPS Championships wrapped-up this weekend, with Rob (No relation to Freddy) Krueger climbing to the top of the heap.  I have no idea if he was the favorite going in, or what technique he used, or whether or not a dynasty has been born.  All I want to know is -- why do I have to know this? Why should the name Rob Krueger have ever entered my mind?  Why do I know that there's actually a group of people who take Rock, Paper, Scissors seriously?  Why? The Internet, that's why.  I'm sure groups like these have been around ever since the first cave suburbs popped-up and loser cave people needed something to do on the weekends.  And for the most part, I think these people kept to themselves and caused relatively little harm. But now they are out in the open.  They want media attention.  They need the spotlight to be shone on them as if to rub their geekiness in our faces.  They even have beer sponsorship (and for the record, not that I was ever planning on drinking Molson Canadian Beer, but needless to say, I never will now).  What next?  John Madden doing play-by-play up in the booth?  RPS "athletes" being busted for steroid use?  The Rock, Paper, Scissors Hall of Fame?  This could get badly out of hand in a hurry. So much like the Allies should have done with Hitler when he first started grumbling about Germans needing elbow room, we should not seek appeasement.  There is no "peace in our time" to be hammered out with these RPSers.  We must ban together.  Stomp them into the ground.  End this madness once and for all. The alternative is millions of mini-vans driven by Rock, Paper, Scissors moms taking their pasty-white RPSing kids to practice everyday afterschool.  A world of little Robbie Kruegers running around screaming that paper beats rock.  It could happen people.  It could happen. Related sites: The World RPS Society International Omweso Society International Playing Card Society American Checkers Federation 11:00:21 AM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.