Today was the day or it was suppose to be the day that I quit smoking. I smoked my last cigarette this morning and walked into the hypotherapist's office with the full intent and mind to quit smoking. I believe that I was probably hypnotised at least for a moment or two, I think I might have fall asleep as well. He explained the process and that its my unconscious mind that is not allowing me to kick this habit and that my willpower alone will not do the trick because when I started smoking as a teenager that I probably did it for emotional reasons and my unconscious mind was protecting itself emotionally by not allowing my conscious mind to release itself from a bad habit - that all makes complete sense. I was in a trance like state, I could still hear him and my hands were heavy and my feet felt like they were rocks in the floor and I could see the bad habit as ball in my unconscious mind and I was throwing it away and then he started chanting "I am a non smoker and will be for the rest of my life" and then I don't remember anything except when he told me to find my happy place running through the fields as a little girl and that everytime I saw red it would re-enforce my happy place and I would feel a sense of euphoria at the time when I was a non-smoker. Here's the thing, I don't remember every running through the fields as a little girl and when he was pressing on my hands saying it was my happy place all I felt was pressure, not a happy place and then he brought me out of my trance and I honestly woke up with the sensations that I wanted a cigarette and water. But I thought, ok I can do this, I can be a non-smoker, I just paid 400.00 to be hypnotised to quit smoking. I walked to the car checking out all things red, didn't feel any different, looking at red wasn't producing an euphoria high, a happy place high. I drove all the way through SF, thinking to myself, I can do this, I'm not a failure, I'm not, I'm a non-smoker and started to have a panic attack, tears streaming down my face and I wanted a cigarette. Yea, I'm still a smoker. So that didn't work. Maybe if I knew what my happy place was, where my euphoria high was, then it would have worked or maybe since my brain is wired slightly different than the rest of the population, or if I hadn't had a panic attack, then it might have worked.
ok...so now what? I want to quit, i hate the way it smells, I hate that it makes me tired, I can go hours without smoking, so now what do I try, maybe I need to find my happy place and figure out why I'm having panic attacks first, then I can tackle the smoking thing again.
3:24:02 PM 
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