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	Wednesday, March 24, 2004

KERRYS FIRST 100 DAYS (A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT) John Kerry has a plan for America. In his first 100 days, John Kerry vows that he will: Preserve endangered species by creating a Wildlife Refuge for interns in Africa. Reduce America's dependence on foreign oil by banning Bikini Oil Wresting contests. Require mandatory skiing lessons for all Secret Service sons of bitches. Take Iraq reconstruction contracts away from Halliburton and give them to more qualified companies like Heinz. Fight to ensure that all Americans can afford the drugs they need, and stop the out of control upward spiral of crack prices. Prevent America from taking unilateral military action with it's 50 coalition partners, unless one of them is France. Protect children from the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping our nation by passing the "Only Kill Children With Knives Act". Win the war against illiteracy by requiring subtitles on all SpongeBob SquarePants episodes. Pick up those medals he threw over the fence. Stop the spread of Mad Cow Disease by renaming it "Disgruntled Bovine Affliction". Fight the AIDS epidemic by banning viruses. Show his support for the Americans With Disabilities Act by hiring blind, quadriplegic Secret Service Agents. And teaching those sons of bitches how to ski. Fund more after school programs for children so they can develop non-academic interests and skills, such as music, art, and pimpin' they ho's. Increase the safety of all Americans by requiring "CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE" warning labels on all terrorists. Make college affordable to all who wish to attend by burning down the "too expensive" ones. Stop the national crime epidemic by passing the "Make Crime Illegal Act". Increase workplace safety by requiring all workers to wear cushy, inflatable "sumo suits" Expand economic opportunities for women by making it legal to hire them for "non-girly" jobs. Champion initiatives that ensure children are not forced to learn in overcrowded classrooms by shooting every third child. Keep "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, but add the words "If that's ok with France" at the end. Yes, with initiatives like these, John Kerry will, if elected, go down in the history books as the best President the United States of Al Qaeda ever had. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! posted by Harvey at 7:27:33 PM  permalink  comment [] trackback []  HOME

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