|
|
Sunday, April 04, 2004
|
|
FUNNER FACTS ABOUT TERRORISTS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
As noted at Alliance HQ, Frank J of IMAO
published several "Fun Facts About Terrorists" on a recent T-shirt.
Here are some of my contributions in the same vein, which will probably
wind up on a thong or teddy:
Terrorists often shout "Allah Akbar" just before attacking, which is Arabic for "I'm a dumbass"
Terrorists will often be seen wearing curly-toed, green felt shoes with bells, much like Christmas elves, except more explosive.
Terrorists are usually young men of Middle-Eastern descent, but not
always, so as a precaution you should randomly put your hand down
women's pants to check for C4.
Large groups of children make prime targets for terrorists. If you see
a large group of children, scatter them with a stink bomb for their own
good.
The best way to prevent terrorist attacks is by passing strongly worded
legislation. Please support the "Don't Blow People Up Act"
If you see a terrorist carrying a bomb, hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it while saying "No! Bad!"
Some people think that reasoned discourse is the best way to deal with
terrorism. They are either French or stupid. Either way, ignore them.
On the off chance that the French are right, ship all terrorists to France for a good talking to.
When shipping terrorists, be sure to cut air holes in the container before covering the holes over with duct tape.
If the terrorist being shipped starts saying something like "Help! I
can't breathe!", don't be alarmed, because that's actually Arabic for
"I am happy to be going to France for a good talking to."
Not everyone who shouts "Die American Pigs!" is a terrorist. He might
be a commie, a hippy, or Al Franken. Shoot him anyway, just to be safe.
If there is someone on the wing of the airplane trying to wreck the engine, he is probably a gremlin, and not a terrorist. Don't shoot him unless you are William Shatner.
The following people are not actually terrorists: Alec Baldwin, Barbra
Streisand, Michael Moore, and Janeane Garofalo. If you see them, shoot
them anyway, because they're damned annoying.
If you're out of bullets, ship them to France.
Use extra duct tape.
Terrorists can often be found in folk bands shaking a wooden hoop ringed with tiny cymbals.
Wait... that's a tambourinist. Don't shoot him because you might run out of bullets, which you'll need if you see Michael Moore.
Poverty is the root cause of terrorism. If you see a poor person, shoot him.
Jews are often victimized by terrorists. If you see a Jew, shoot anyone standing next to him.
Buy a lot of stock in companies that make bullets.
Don't sell the stock, or you'll wind up in jail and Martha Stewart will make you her bitch.
John Kerry is not a terrorist. Don't shoot him, lest the Democrats replace him with a viable Presidential candidate.
Saddam Hussein is a terrorist, but he's been captured, so don't shoot him.
But if you do shoot at him and "accidentally" miss and hit his French lawyer... Hey, I didn't see ANYTHING.
Yasser Arafat isn't a terrorist. He's a... wait... yes he is. Have at him.
Not all terrorists are bad. Some of them are good.
For target practice.
Terrorists would prefer that John Kerry be elected President. If you
see someone voting for John Kerry... well, they're probably American
citizens and you're probably low on bullets, so just ship them to
France. But go easy on the duct tape.
Unless it's Alec Baldwin
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
posted by Harvey at 7:33:48 PM permalink HOME
|
|
|
© Copyright 2005 Harvey Olson.
Last update: 9/10/2005; 4:38:56 PM.
|
|
April 2004 |
Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
|
|
|
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
5 |
6 |
7 |
8 |
9 |
10 |
11 |
12 |
13 |
14 |
15 |
16 |
17 |
18 |
19 |
20 |
21 |
22 |
23 |
24 |
25 |
26 |
27 |
28 |
29 |
30 |
|
Mar May |
MAIN ARCHIVES
CATEGORY ARCHIVES
GRAFFITI CURRENCY
200 WORDS OR LESS
FILTHY LIES
LOVE NOTES
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR
KING OF THE BLOGS
|
|