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	Wednesday, April 21, 2004

THE 9/11 COMMISSION EXPLAINED (A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT) Although it may resemble a free-for-all of partisan finger-pointing, the 9/11 Commission is actually a well-organized group of partisan finger-pointers, who are tasked with investigating several specific areas of inquiry. I quote these topics directly from the 9/11 Commission web site, and include their preliminary recommendation for each area, which I obtained by pulling it out of my ass via secret sources: Al Qaeda and the Organization of the 9-11 Attack: Recommendation: Pass a law requiring that, when terrorists stop at a titty bar for their now-traditional last night of debauchery before carrying out their plans, they be served only cyanide margaritas. These may be, but are not required to be, 2-for-1 specials. Intelligence Collection, Analysis, and Management (including oversight and resource allocation): Recommendation: The FBI and CIA must work together as a team. No more messing with each other's letterheads to make them read "Fat Bloated Idiots" or "Childish Ignoramous Asshats". International Counterterrorism Policy, including states that harbor or harbored terrorists, or offer or offered terrorists safe havens: Recommendation: The old policy of "give them money & hope they leave us alone" has failed. Hopefully the new policy of "Nuke first, ask the glowing wasteland questions later" will have better results. Terrorist Financing: Recommendation: No more "zero down, no payments for 90 days" crap. From now on, all terrorists are strictly "cash and carry". With all carrying being done by stuffing their gooey remains in a 5-gallon bucket. Border Security and Foreign Visitors: Recommendation: America no longer has the luxury of allowing suspicious people to cross its borders with impunity. For maximum surveillance efficiency, all borders will be continuously manned by bored, gossipy, small-town housewives known as the Gladys Kravitz Brigade. Law Enforcement and Intelligence Collection inside the United States: Recommendation: So that no detail is missed, all law enforcement and intelligence information will be retained in a single centralized database. Cyberdyne Systems expects SkyNet and its army of friendly, helpful Hunter-Killer cyborgs to be on line before the end of the year. Commercial Aviation and Transportation Security, including an Investigation into the Circumstances of the Four Hijackings: Recommendation: Before any passenger is allowed to board a plane, he will be asked the foolproof terrorist-revealing question: "If you were a terrorist and I asked you whether you were a terrorist, would you say "yes"?". If he answers either "yes" or "no" then he's a terrorist and should be beaten to a bloody pulp on the spot, since a normal American would respond "What kind of stupid ass question is that? Get the f*** out of my way before I miss my flight!" The Immediate Response to the Attacks at the National, State, and Local levels, including issues of Continuity of Government: Recommendation: Nuke the moon... or at least the crescent moons on top of mosques occupied by gun-wielding terrorists. Lather. Radiate. Repeat. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! posted by Harvey at 8:20:14 PM  permalink    Crappy Broken Radio Comments (do not use) [] trackback []  HOME

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