Nosce te ipsum

I bought an Apple.

"Wimp," said a computer geek at work. I sensed the fear.

You see, he makes his living from the Microsoft Industrial Complex. It has piled so many worthless programs into your computer that an entire digital bureaucracy has developed in the hard drive to manage it. And like any bureaucracy it is unwieldy, inefficient and impenetrable.

Hence, we must have geeks to serve as our intermediaries. Lots of geeks.

Every time the evil geeks in Singapore find another hole in Windows, through which they can invade our homes, it creates more jobs for the good geeks.

The entire national economy, in fact, depends on the incompetence of Microsoft.

If everyone switched to Apple, the unemployment rate would skyrocket and we would fall into a depression. The government would be forced to give away Microsoft-based computers to stimulate the economy.

Be that as it may, I wanted a computer that would obey me at least as well as my Labrador puppy.

I spent most of my time with the old computer trying to figure out how to do stuff rather than actually doing it.

God bless Apple.

Last night, in a very few minutes, I downloaded some pictures of my kids. Then I downloaded Janis Joplin's greatest hits. Then I then set up a slide show, watching my beautiful munchkins fading on and off the screen to "A Little Piece of my Heart."

I cried -- not out of sentimentality but because at long last, a computer finally had listened to me.

The first few months I had the old computer, the hard drive froze three times. I lost everything each time.

Last month the Word program crashed, apparently due to the 97 spyware programs sent over by the guys in Singapore.

My computer had become something to loathe and fear. Apple is the most reliable computer on the market, according to Consumer Reports.

I buy everything Consumer Reports tells me to buy.

Except Old Milwaukee.

The business model for the electronics industry is this: Capture market share by cramming as many features as possible into gizmos.

So we have cell phones that play video games and torment co-workers with obnoxious ditties. We have digital cameras with more buttons, settings and formats then you could possibly use on a Disney vacation. We have MP3 players that come with a mind-boggling assortment of software programs and formats that make workability a crapshoot.

And when you are drowning in trivial options, it jacks up the difficulty level of figuring out how to find and use the ones you really need.

Do you know why Apple's iPod is a smash hit, besides the great commercials? It is the simplest system ever devised for taking music from one place and putting it in another. That's all there is to it.

Simple sells off the shelf.

Apple sells simplicity.

No, I am not being paid to say this, at least not by Apple.

But I cheer the company on because I want the gospel of simplicity to spread.

I'm not spending any more of my life yelling in frustration at inanimate objects.

The geek says Apple doesn't have near as much compatible software as Microsoft.

To which I respond: "Hallelujah!"

Mike Thomas can be reached at 407-420-5525

or mthomas@orlandosentinel.com.