licentious radio

Sunday, February 10, 2002
[3:23:39 PM]

Salt Lake City, Utah -- President Bush declared beef subsidies to be a critical national security interest. Speaking to a packed ro-day-o crowd, the president -- sporting a white "city-slicker" cowboy hat so ill-fitting as to distract attention from his ears -- repeated some more stuff about the Axis of Evil and terrorism, and that it would be a long war -- "at least through the 2004 elections".

The president said, "if we submit, American children from all walks of life will grow up without a steady diet of sirloin steak and barbecue brisket. But we shall not submit," he reassured the slightly worried audience.

He further decried as "Unamerican" any attempts to limit the size of the subsidy any single corporation could receive. "Beef subsidies are a key weapon in our war against the axes of evil," said the president to an overwhelming round of applause from the assembled beef growers.

At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said, "the United States hasn't used atomic weapons since 1945, and we should be proud of that, but with the beef-subsidy terrorists, it may not be appropriate to continue that record".

Secretary of State Colin Powell, former war hero and AOL Time-Warner board member, admitted that in the wake of the September 11, 2001 attacks, he had dismissed rumors about the use of nuclear weapons as ridiculous. When asked about his current stance, Powell said "read my lips", closed his mouth, and stalked from the room.

A Department of Justice spokeman announced Attorney General John Ashcroft had just issued orders to round up the beef-subsidy terrorists and the blacks. Stunned reporters finally asked, "the blacks?". The spokesman said, "Oh, yeah. John gets a little exuberant. I'm sure we won't round up the blacks yet." The relieved reporters went back to taking notes.