licentious radio

Thursday, February 28, 2002
[2:47:44 PM]

Washington D.C. -- Airports around the country went to high alert after Attorney General John Ashcroft warned again of a possible terrorist attack.

"These sneaky little bastards will do anything in their war on freedom. Our sources say they may use explosives implanted in breasts," said Ashcroft.

At airports, security was tightened. Men still are required to remove their shoes for explosives testing, but women are now required to strip to the waste and submit to an examination to verify they don't have explosive implants.

According National Airport security guard Jeremiah Skaltenburg, "it takes a little longer, but everyone's being very cooperative. No one wants to be in an airplane when someone's breasts go off."

Skaltenburg said the main trouble was from jokesters. "People shouldn't make any jokes at the security checkpoints. We had to arrest several would-be wise-guys who couldn't resist the obvious 'booby-trap' line."

When asked how he was coping with the increased workload, Skaltenburg was hesitant to answer, but eventually said, "well, you'd think it would be a treat, like some juvenile fantasy. But let me tell you, it's no picnic. All day long. A never ending line of women. Just 'squeeze, squeeze, squeeze'. I'm telling you, it's tough to tell the difference between silicone and C4. You gotta be on your toes all day long."

However, after complaints from numerous women and women's organizations, Ashcroft announced that the possible attacks wouldn't come from explosive breast implants after all, but rather from explosives stuffed in the terrorist's socks. Male and female passengers are both now required to remove their socks as well as shoes.

Tom Ridge, Ueber Fuehrer for Fatherland Security, called on all Americans to wear sandals with no socks. Upon further questioning, Ridge said his Birkenstock stocks are all held in a blind trust, and that Enron is a financial scandal, not a political scandal.

[2:25:19 PM]
I confess. I'm living a lie. This is no longer unlicensed. Go Userland, go.