licentious radio

Sunday, February 24, 2002
[11:23:24 PM]

Washington, D. C. -- President Bush gave a surprise press conference today. He was joined by Vice President Cheney, Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, and a military officer holding a suitcase-like device.

Bush said, "I'm taking a lot of guff. People are calling me some kind of dumb-bell, or stupid, or an idiot. Now I'm not going to dignify that sort of talk with a response, but I'll have you know that my intelligence quota tested real good, and would have been even better if I hadn't gotten confused about which row of dots went with which answer. But my high-q -- I mean my intelligence quota -- isn't the question."

Bush nodded to the military officer and continued, "The question is, if I'm such a complete imbecile, why is my finger on the button, and not yours?"

To the alarm of the assembled press corps, the president's finger poised on a button in the suitcase-like device.

Bush seemed to taunt the reporters: "Come on, you're so smart, explain that to me!"

One reporter reluctantly volunteered, "because you're daddy appointed the supreme court?"

Another suggested, "because of your brother's initiatives to prevent eligible black voters from voting?"

The pace picked up....

"The butterfly ballot."

"The two-page ballot."

"Because of the vile, racist hate-mongering you used to beat McCain in the South Carolina primary -- just like your daddy used to beat Dukakis?"

"Maybe it was Cheney's promise to Nevada voters not to proceed with the nuclear stoarage facility built on thirty-six seismic faults -- that you just approved?"

"Or it could have been all that Enron dough. Hundreds of thousands directly to your campaign, and more to the party."

"Yeah, the lack of campaign finance reform might have done it. If you couldn't sell political favors like you did, you wouldn't have been able to raise enough money. You spent twice as much as Gore, didn't you?"

"There was that odd coincidence of Alan Greenspan knifing the economy in April of an election year. You wouldn't have stood a snowball's chance in hell without that."

A reporter in the front row on the extreme right interrupted: "Excuse me Mr. President, a question! That button your finger is on... Doesn't that say 'Diet Coke'?"

At that point both Cheney and the officer put a finger to their lips and said "Shh!" Before the president could think to look down at the button, the officer had closed the suitcase, and Cheney was pulling the president from the stage.

Fleischer stepped up to the podium and announced that the press conference was over. A reporter called out another question: "Ari, is that a Diet Coke in your hand?" Fleischer responded by hurrying from the room with the logo of his soda can obscured by papers.

Slow motion replay showed conclusively that it was a Diet Coke button, and the audio revealed a sound like a can being dispensed, just before Fleischer appeared on stage. A number of reporters speculated that the suitcase is a portable Diet Coke machine, though the video doesn't reveal whether it accepts coins only, or also dollar bills.