Friday, May 30, 2003

I held three and a half pound Liam today, while food dripped through a tube into his stomach. It was amazing how much those little tiny babies, with their features so delicate, fat not yet stored on their bodies for that first foray outside the womb, look more like mini-people than full term newborns do. Part of the point of being there is to give each of the triplets human contact, especially during feeding, part of it is to stand vigil, popping the binky into their mouths as soon as they open just a little bit, to get the sucking action going. It's so amazing seeing how parenthood transforms people, almost instantly too. With Molly in another hospital, three babies to take care of, an MBA to wrap up, issues still pending with the sale of Habanero, Grant seemed more serene than I remember him being for years, since we first started hanging out in 1993. We went out to Dressels afterwards for a beer. That was probably the most important care and feeding I did today, giving him permission to sit down for an hour outside and have a beer, which for him is such a profound luxury. I wasn't actually going to order one myself, but it was almost as if that was equally important  to just having a sense of normalcy, just raising a glass, just joining him for that one toast. I'm so geared up right now for the next level of fitness in my life, and just general discipline. As much as I struggle with the idea of letting someone be directive and challenging, and the very shaking that does of my sense of self as a rock, I'm doing better than I thought I ever could of accepting what I would normally reject as criticism or vulnerability. When I find myself teetering on the edge of insecurity and reactivity, I find myself, as alien as this feels, looking at those moments as opportunities to accept affection. Especially in the context of not worrying so much, as implausible as all of this is, about the specific gender inspired outcome. I just know, somehow, at my core, that this will end up making me a better person - which is what my diverse friendships, some with folks whom I love precisely because of the challenges for growth they provide, the same challenges that make them difficult for other folks to get sometimes, are all about. It's not totally incidental, but it's nice finding that in someone I also like to kiss, for now, regardless of whether or not the kissing stays. 12:33:19 AM