I did it again, I scared the poor soul, I didn't mean too but I did. When I meet someone I'm interested in then I become this weird aggressive person wanting all his attention and why the hell do I do that anyways? Its really not me or at least I don't think so, my ex told me I needed someone that would give me undivided attention - oh god, am I really like that? I thought I was more open and easy going and didn't need undivided attention, that I had my interests and he, whomever he might be, had their own. And why the hell do I sabotage potential relationships by getting all weird and agressive? Maybe it stems from something in my childhood or something I'm afraid of or maybe I'm afraid that if I don't do it, he won't like me or maybe I'm afraid of being alone forever or maybe i'm afraid of getting too close to someone and I don't want to be that girly girl - I just so not that person, so why do I stumble and not act like myself and become all weird?
The answer? I have no idea. I know that I do it and then when it happens and I realize I've done it, I hate myself for doing it. And then I become depressed but he doesn't like me and he doesn't respond to me. And once I snap out of my depression - I realize, yep I did it again.
And I realize that you know I was happy without the potential bf and look what I've accomplished in the last few years, I bought my own house, I own my own business, I'm doing great and I need to love myself again and be happy with who I am. And if I meet someone that I might be interested in, yea, definetly flirt but that's it, if he's interested - then he'll make the moves. If he's shy, god forbid I like one of those again but if he's interested, he'll let me know. I need to keep being me, not that aggressive weird person who pops out when she's scared, but the happy me who is happy in her own skin without a man (although I'm not saying a man in my life wouldn't be nice)
And that diamond ring I've been waiting ages for someone to buy me, damn it, I'm just going to buy it myself.
12:30:01 AM 
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