Love in the Time of No Time

The NY Times Sunday Magazine’s cover story today is on internet dating. The purpose was to look at online personals from the standpoint of “How do they work and how is the way they work changing the nature of courtship?”

One note of discord for me was that the people the writer spent the most time profiling were New Yorkers in their 20’s and 30’s, which may explain all the internet dating for the sole purpose of sex. It reminded me of Sex and the City - entertaining, but not a reflection of my life. Most people I know personally use, or have used, online dating to find relationships. Maybe it’s that we’re over 40 and, well, New Englanders. Otherwise, the article seemed right on, based on my experiences and that of my friends:

• The idea that online profiles are like virtual avatars – “digital embodiments of themselves, to make a first impression in their absence”
• The experience of having great emails only to find no “chemistry” when you meet in person
• The whole importance placed on chemistry, which puts pressure on the first meeting
• The ease with which people disappear – rejection by way of unanswered email
• Dating someone but finding their online profile “active”
• The question of when to take down one’s profile – the new “big step” (my words)
• The examples of people who have met and successfully mated by way of internet dating (I went to two weddings last summer of couples who met online)

Getting to know you

Last Thursday night had a blind date with a guy I’d exchanged a few emails with. Just before the date, I got some overly enthusiastic emails. Sure enough, no sooner had I sat down when he started trying to hold my hand and touch my hair. It was so off-putting. He wasn’t a creepy guy, was decent looking and educated. But he was recently divorced, hadn’t dated much, and had clearly made up something in his head about who I was and how we were going to have a great relationship. He kept talking about the things we would do together sometime. I wished I had a cardboard cut-out of myself I could have put in my seat so I could leave. Because I felt like he wasn’t interested in getting to know me. Or in giving me a chance to decide for myself how I felt about him.

Fortunately, I’d had another, more normal blind date last Sunday, followed by a second date on Friday night that went nicely. There was more of a sense of “well, let’s see how this goes” and then “this seemed to go well, how about another time?” I know it’s hard to keep expectations in check when you want a relationship and something looks good on paper. I’ve been there myself. But it’s unfair to come in and project your scenario onto the other person. It means you don’t want to really know who the other person is. It doesn’t let you be open to finding out the good, the bad and the ugly, to find out if you really like each other, and to just let it happen. That takes time and openness.

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