Mother's Day

With Mother’s Day approaching, I realize again that I feel so much different about my mother than I did just a few years ago, before she got Alzheimer’s. The fact is, since the AD she no longer picks on me, as if it doesn’t occur to her anymore.

I won’t argue what’s abusive versus what’s common mother-daughter crap made larger by my particular family’s predisposition to emotional hyper-sensitivity. She never told me I was stupid or anything. Just that my hair wasn’t to her liking, constantly, which she’d voice the moment I walked in the door. Nice to see you too, Ma. Then there were all the tactless comments I collected to share with my friends. “You’re not dating so-and so? So, you’re still picky, even at your age.” “I wouldn’t put in a glamorous picture [in my online dating profile]. You don’t want them to be disappointed when they meet you.” “Look at this dirt behind your sink. No wonder you don’t have a husband!” No wonder, indeed. Could it be a fear of being constantly criticized?

Now every time I see her or talk to her on the phone she’s nothing but sweet as pie to me. She calls me “our lovely daughter,” “our smart daughter,” “we’re so lucky to have you,” etc. It’s really heartwarming, and I’m sad that she’s slowly losing it but I feel lucky for this period of time where I can enjoy what have always been her better qualities – her sense of humor and fun, her interest in everything that’s going on in the world, her love of change and young people and her boredom with “old fogies.” She’s also still attractive and looks good for her age (Yes! Yes! Genetics!). Of course the AD could be genetic too, so who knows. (Yes! Yes! Medical research!).

It may be that this change in my relationship with my mother has made it possible for me to see myself as a mother, like it’s one of the puzzle pieces that needed to get set aright to allow that image of myself to emerge. Another piece is I think I’m more solid a person now at 45, that a child and a partner wouldn’t steal my sense of myself away. I don’t know if motherhood will happen for me, of course, but it’s nice to feel capable of it at least. The puzzle’s still a work in progress. For now I can celebrate the minor miracle of feeling good about things between me and my mom.

4:34:49 PM      trackback [] 

The aliens have landed

Kinda creepy looking, isn't it?

9:24:51 AM      trackback []