An Essay by Joshua Burr
Today, I nearly gave mommy a heart attack. For the sake of those who need help learning to do this themselves, here's how to do it.
Step one: Go Shopping with Mommy. This is important for several reasons. First, it gets you out of the house; house = prison; outside = freedom; freedom = opportunity to give mommy a heart attack. Shopping works great, because when you are all done shopping mommy will have groceries to deal with, which leads to Step two.
Step two: Keep Mommy's Hands Full. When mommy's hands are full, it is like a catalyst that makes it easier to undertake heart attack-inducing mischief. I'm not just talking literally about keeping her hands full; I mean figuratively, keep her busy! Keep her mind on something else. This creates the perfect environment for Step three.
Step three: Run Away. This is the best. Just run, go wherever. If it involves danger, you're even more likely to cause a heart attack. Streets and trucks work well for this.
Step four: Hit Her with a Double Whammy. Now, chances are good that you're going to get caught. After all of the relief and the happiness that she feels for having found you, she'll probably be pretty upset. In this case, it's good to have a distraction that will keep her from dealing with you right away. Losing something important, or expensive helps in this. Let me put it all together, so you can see how this works.
I took mommy shopping, Walmart, the grocery store, you know, the usual (Step one). When we got home, I let mommy take us up to the porch and open the front door. Then, she had to go back to the car for groceries (Step two). While mommy went back to the car, I made a run for it. I headed down the street, then crossed over to the other side, explored, etc. (Step three); while I was at, I made sure to set up for Step four by dropping my glasses (yeah, the nice new ones that cost so much). Mommy found me, and so I figured the gig was up and started to cross the street, but then she shouted for me to stop, because a truck was coming. That was my moment of absolute triumph; I think I gave her a heart attack right there.
She found the glasses eventually, and everything turned out okay, and I'm glad. It was a fun adventure for a two-year old, but seriously, mommy, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, at least not in the way that you grownups do. I know that I gave you a big scare, and daddy, too (when he found out). I hope that one day we can look back at this and maybe not laugh, but at least not with the same adrenaline-filled fear that we felt today. I'm glad you found me before I got hurt, or really lost. I want to be near you and safe, but I'm so curious, too. I guess I let it get the best of me. I'm sorry, and I love you, mommy.
11:31:57 PM 
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