Tuesday, January 07, 2003

I helped Jans give Fiona her standing lessons today. I wonder if the spinal cord research going on now, showing that nerves can regenerate, corroroborates with infant developmental stages. Watching her learn to balance, and grab, and talk, a little more each day, this mass of flesh and nerves, just awakening unto herself. With Fiona, I wouldn't be surprised if she walks before she crawls. Her legs and balance are so strong. She turns herself around, pulls herself up using the edge of the futon, and furrows her little brow with concentrated might as she tries to get those motor skills coordinated, and does her little victory squeal sometimes when she gets up. We've been getting a lot of stomach wrenching self definition work done for Syzygy this past week, and having the other baby to play with, one that smiles and screeches and grows, has made the process much more bearable. Rick's friend Jim went out to the backyard to pee tonight, saw Maddie tussling with Loki in the backyard, and escorted Loki out, thinking he was some neighborhood stray. I think Rick was a little more concerned about it than I - Loki didn't go anywhere, just waited to be let back inside the gate. Last night, as Jamie and I were leaving Sekisui, a new Sushi place on the corner of Grand and Arsenal, where Kenji is chef, and, I guess, not drinking as much. They actually had good toro, which made up for that paste I ate at Takibana's last year around this time. A busdriver pulled up to the corner and opened the door, asking us if there were live fish in the tank. That's one of those moments where I wish I had my Dad's response time and said something like "Not any more," rubbing his belly. But it was surreal enough as it was. Another night, an earlier evening, and it would have been opportune to invite the driver to join us. One of the things that's interesting right now, thinking again of romance and that jazz, after a couple years of thinking about what all that means, that some of the differences are as attractive as similarities. Having Archer as a noisy, hyper roommate has made me more noise tolerant, and even more tolerant of chaos around me. I don't know if anything will come of the Jamie thing - I keep being surprised that she's still in touch, in great part because I am so yin in ways that she is yang, and vice versa, the very things that make me want to see her more - but it's opened my eyes to the possibility that I don't need to be attracted to someone out of sameness. It probably makes it a little more challenging, but more rewarding, enriching over the long term. I keep thinking of the irony of those two different energies together, that someone, from the outside, might think that this person will tear me up, but paradoxically, I feel more grounded, almost as if this is a beautiful dance, an Aikido stance, and detached delight, mindful detachment, and joyful. I keep thinking of the irony that if this energy sticks around, the mass and heat of my energy may tear her up, imparting limitless potential energy into her kinetic mix. Not knowing, or really caring to know, the outcome is making this one of the most intriguing and self-enlightening and fun journeys I've had with someone for awhile - like a destinationless road trip. The irony is that destinyless trip is because I like being around her so much - kinda obviates the need to grasp for anything or define it, or go anywhere, except for the getting there. I think I would have found this really annoying at some point in my life, but right now it's just kind of cute to have all my friends asking me what's going on, and to say without any remorse or anything other than complete and honest joy that I really like this person, and that while I'd like to see her again, I don't know if I will. At some point, it would be nice to find that center of my compass, my orbit, but shooting stars is good too. I've been thinking more about Rowan Williams refinement of the radical atonement theory, with Jesus as the only perfect victim, not a sacrifice, but a victim killed simultaneously for not participating in the tension between Roman and Jew in Israel at the time, and as a sacrifice for both sides, a release. And from that, as I understand it, the idea that one of the most basic tenets of Christianity is to not engage in violence, that one of the ways to be Christ-like is to break the cycle of victim and oppressor, to just refuse to play the game entirely. While it's not particularly relevant on the theological level to me, I've been thinking about that in terms of how I respond to personal situations, often copping to that strict dichotomy. The tricky part is trying to build something else without any really clear models to follow. It's hard enough to break the patterns we know we do, the little nitpicky things that become part of our tapestry, let alone fundamentally change the way we consider our very place in the world. That there's no pure victim. No pure oppressor. It fits with some of the RAVEN and Duluth model, teaching nonviolence by getting people to empathize, typically with the family they oppress, by looking at ways they are oppressed. I need to read some of Williams stuff. 1:09:33 AM