Goodbye Johnson
As they say, "all good things must come to an end." And some bad things too. It was time for me to end my email relationship with my friend Johnson. I'd like to say he took things well but, alas, I'm afraid he was extremely disappointed. The day started with Johnson, apparently worried about the deal, complaining to Mr. Bawls:
MY DEAR FRIEND,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY? YOU SERIOUSLY FRUSTRATING AND DELAYING THIS TRANSACTION,IF YOU ARE NO LONGER READY TO WORK WITH ME PLEASE INDICATE INSTEAD OF KEEPING MUTE.WHY SHOULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS,AFTER ALL WE SPENT IN THIS TRANSACTION YOU DO NOT WANT TO CALL ME,YOU DO NOT WANT TO RELEASE YOUR TEL NUMBERS TO ME,I WANDER IF YOU KNOW THE DEGREE OF PAINS YOU ARE CAUSING THIS TRANSACTION,BY NOW I SUPPOSE TO BE WITH YOU IF ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO DO BUSINESS,SO REACH AND INDICATE YOUR WILLINGNESS TO DO BUSINESS WITH ME.
I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
JOHNSON
Johnson was in for the shock of his life when he received this email back from Mr. Bawls' greedy, and apparently homicidal, lawyer:
My name is Buster Hyman. I'm sure Mr. Bawls has spoken to you about me. I will be handling this matter now and Mr. Bawls is out of the picture as is Ms. Abner. You see, they tried to cut me out of the deal, so I had to remove them. I took care of both of them in their bathtubs, photos are attached if you doubt me.
The transaction will go forward as planned, except the money should now be transferred to the following account:
1. Claude Bawls c/o Buster Hyman, Esq., his attorney in fact, 3 Abbey Road, London, UK 617
2. Manufacturers Hanover Trust. Acct #203019 73335223
Please take me very seriously or I'll blow the whistle to the bank on your whole deal. Besides, there are plenty of bathtubs in Nigeria. Upon your confirmation of these arrangements, the transfer taxes will be wired via Western Union. Use the same email as previously. My fax is 1(501)644-6791.
B. Hyman
The pictures are here and here. Maybe you don't want the kiddies to look though. Don't worry, they're not real. They're Photoshopped fakes. And no, neither one is me or my wife.
Johnson didn't take things too well. I was kind of hoping that he would see through the charade, given how over-the-top Mr. Hyman's response was. Anyway, Johnson emailed back in a most threatening manner:
HELLO MR.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?I AM A STRAIGHT FORWARD PERSON IN EVERY DEAL I FIND MYSELF IN THIS LIFE,THAT I CONTACTED MR.BAWLS FOR THIS TRANSACTION DOES NOT MEAN I DO NOT HAVE THE FEAR OF GOD,BUT I BELIEVE THAT ONE SHOULD NOT EXPECT GOD TO COME OUT IN HUMAN PERSON TO ASSIST SOMEONE,RATHER IT IS LEFT FOR THE SPIRIT PERSON IN YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS KIND OF OPPORTUNITY ONLT COMES BUT ONCE IN A LIFE TIME,SO IF YOU HAVE ELIMINATED THESE TWO PERSONS IN ORDER TO INHERIT WHAT YOU WERE NEVER CONTACTED FOR,THEN WHAT IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WILL NOT DISAPPEAR WITH THE MONEY,WHEN IT GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT OR FIND A WAY TO IMPLICATE ME DOWN HERE,WELL ALL THAT I KNOW IS THAT MY FRIEND BAWLS IS STILL ALIVE AND I WILL NOT DIVERT THE CLAIMS TO A GREEDY PERSON OF YOUR TYPE,INSTEAD DO YOUR WORSE,MIND YOU I AM NOT A CHILD OF CHANCE,I HAVE THAT POWER WHICH IS GREATER THAN THE LITTLE EVIL SPIRIT IN YOU.
MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU OF YOUR EVIL ACT.SAY ME HI TO BAWLS.
JOHNSON
Why the hell does he start out with "HOW ARE YOU TODAY?" Maybe it's the only way he knows how to start a letter. Anyway, he must have thought his response was not strong enough, so he followed things up with this email:
MIND YOU I HAVE BAWLS INT.PASSPORT,SO THE PICTURE IS VERY MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THE PERSON YOU KILLED AT THE BATHTOP,TELL ME THAT YOU COMMITED SUICIDE.LITTLE WISE THING.
He obviously compared the photo of Mr. Bawls in the bathtub very closely with his passport. You've got to give the guy credit, he should be on CSI. Pretty testy, huh? Big talk. Anyway, given his negative attitude toward our relationship, I had no choice but to cut him loose. I sent him this:
Then, being the soft-hearted guy I am, I felt that I should help the guy out a little bit. So I sent him this invitation:
Invitation to the 3rd Nigerian 419 e-mail seminar
(Sponsored by Western Union)
To be held at The Sheraton, Lagos with teleconferencing through to The Sheraton, Amsterdam
November 29 -- November 30, 2003
GREETINGS !!
I COME TO YOU WITH A SINCERE HEART BELIEVING IN ALMIGHTY GOD THAT YOU WILL CONSIDER MY INVITATION AND COME TO HELP AND ALSO BENEFIT FROM ME.
This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. But I believe it is one day that you get to know somebody either in physical or through correspondence. I got your contact through some discreet inquiry from the chamber of commerce and industry, you and your organization were revealed as being quite astute in private entrepreneurship, one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial business transaction.
All delegates are reminded that they should keep this matter highly reticent pending the actualization of the seminar. I would want you to contact me immediately so that we can proceed with the booking. You should please on reply enclose your private telephone, fax number so that we can have more confidential correspondence.
Subjects to be covered during the seminar:-
1 - THE CASE FOR ALL CAPS
This highly controversial subject has divided opinion amongst our delegates in previous years. Some, such as Basher Mobutu Sese-Seko, are firmly of the belief that using ALL UPPERCASE CHARACTERS lends a certain style to their message, whilst some of the more progressive delegates believe that this is a style that has now passed its sell-by date. There will be a 2 hour debate on the subject with delegates voting on the question after the discussion.
2 - The effectiveness of Religious phrases
A recent survey has shown that 89% of previous delegates continue to scatter religious phrases and references to God throughout their correspondence. There will be an open-forum discussion on the subject led by 'Deacon' John Osa of Dove Ministry Inc. All delegates will receive a 14 page booklet containing the most frequently used psalms.
3 - 'Modalities' -- Is it time to stop using this phrase?
If previous seminars are anything to go on this will be one of the most hotly debated topics. Champions of the phrase continue to argue that it is part of our scamming heritage whilst some of our younger delegates reason that, outside of our own circle, it is a totally unknown term.
4 - How to make those grammatical errors REALLY WORK for you
An in-depth workshop session led by a number of our leading barristers. On completion of the session delegates will be able to master the most excruciating grammatical savaging of the English language. This haves been won of the most poppular seshons in preevyas seminarse --arryve urly two a voyde dis appoyntmeant.
5 - Try to be creative with your story
One of Nigeria's leading psychologists explores and analyses the success rate of various sales pitches including:- The expatriate dying in a tragic air-crash, leaving no known relatives, the Ministry of Petroleum official who has a fund of millions of dollars through deliberate over-invoicing of a project, the Zimbabwean / Sierra Leone orphans who tragically lost their highly popular father through gang murder.
Following the psychologist's analysis one of Nigeria's most creative authors will explore new scenarios that will have the Westerners begging to send us more money.
6 - E-mail lists -- How to use and sell on
Delegates will be given invaluable advice on how to buy lists of intended victims at the lowest cost, use them and sell them on at a profit.
7 - Adobe Photoshop -- The modern alternative to potato-print forged documents
A hands-on 2 hour tutorial covering the basics in Adobe Photoshop. At the end of the session delegates will have learned how to produce professional-quality forgeries of wills, Central Bank documentation and the all-important list of handling and demurrage charges from various security companies. Specialist techniques covered will include Government official stamps and fake passports.
8 - The Way Forward - How to set up a fake on-line bank website quickly and cheaply
An explanation of the benefits of using today's technology to convince your victims that the bank really exists and to use this technology to withdraw money from their accounts in the shortest possible time. All delegates will be entitled to a 10% discount when using the course-approved webmasters.
9 - Internet e-mail accounts
Exploring the advantages of rapidly setting up multiple e-mail accounts with: -Hotmail, Yahoo, Netscape, EC Plaza, Rediffmail, Indiatimes, Phantomemail, Zwallet and many others. (Also includes how to avoid common mistakes such as using one name at the start of the email message and signing off with another name.)
Book today to avoid disappointment.
Delegate numbers will be strictly limited to the first 15,000 applicants.
Send your Western Union payment of $750 to Scam-Masters Inc, 14 Ikoge Lane, Apapa, Lagos
Test Question:-Why, Test Answer:-Why Not
No bookings will be confirmed until a scanned copy of the Western Union receipt and Control Number has been received and verified. (No forged receipts please)
Yours in God's Vineyard
Barrister Wotta Ripoff (President, Scam-Masters Inc)
As far as I know, he hasn't RSVP'd.
File under Nigerian Email Buddies.
8:18:28 PM 
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Monday, November 10, 2003
