Thursday, March 04, 2004

All About The Benjamins I know it is only March, but in many ways, summer is just around the corner.  And I know that a sizeable amount of my readership is going to be hoping to land some summer cash come June, July, and August.  But thanks to the shaky economic environment we live in, the job market is tighter than a hamster's backdoor.  Those typical summer jobs usually reserved for teenagers are either disappearing, or are being held down by senior citizens with prescriptions to pay who have no sympathy for someone wanting to fund their first used Kia. So what's a cash-strapped kid supposed to do?  Well, read my website daily, for one.  Why?  Because being the incredibly helpful guy I am, I've decided to devote this post to a few money-making opportunities that you youngsters out there might not be aware of.  Ways that you can quickly go from being a have-not, to being a have, has, and will have.  Bling-bling is just around the corner for any enterprising youth who isn't weighed down by any pesky sense of self-respect or dignity.  Remember kids:  dignity doesn't buy an X-box. So here are a few ways to start raking in the cash faster than you can count it: RENT YOUR HEAD:  Everyone has a head, right?  Some of us are blessed with extra acreage above the eyebrows which is pretty much going to waste.  Well, it's about time that you start thinking of that space as valuable real estate which you can rent out for the right price.  That's where the folks at Headvertise come in.  They are willing to pay top-dollar to use your forehead as a billboard.  Just think:  money just for having a head!  How incredibly simple is that?  A job application with only one question:  Do you have a head?  Yes.  Then you're hired!  Now while they seem to be focusing on the college market, I bet they're just waiting for the right opportunity to enter the lucrative high school arena.  You may be the one they are looking for!  Use your head to get ahead! BE AN IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND:  Let's face it.  There are some lonely guys out there.  They're lonely, but they also don't have either the time, energy, or the motivation (or perhaps the cash -- sound familiar?) to be in a romantic relationship.  But they may be able to scrape together $50 or so for you to pretend to be their long distance girlfriend for a few weeks.  That way they can pretend to be in a relationship, which gets those grandmothers to stop pestering them with, "When you going to find yourself a nice girl?"  Gives them a little virtual ego boost and the confidence to go get a real girlfriend.  Or perhaps just pisses off the ex.  Either way you look at it, it's a money making opportunity for you.  Get a few dorks -- er, I mean clients -- lined up and the cash will start rolling in.  That and you don't even have to minty fresh breath to do it.  So consider being an Imaginary Girlfriend and watch the real money pile up. MARRY SOMEONE RICH AND THEN DIVORCE 'EM:  That's what the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Lionel Richie is doing.  The guy who helped bring us "We Are The World" is now in danger of being jacked up to the tune of $300,000 a month in alimony payments by his ex, Diane Richie.  Now you may think it's a little early to be thinking marriage.  But Diane and Lionel got started when she was 18, and if you want $300,000 a month, you have to be willing to sell your soul ...ummm... I mean start early. $300,000 a month, you stammer?  Yep.  And what does that buy you?  Vitamins ($500/month), clothes ($15,000/month), massages ($600/month), and laser hair removal ($1000/month). One thousand a month in hair removal costs???  Is Diane Richie a wookie?  No one has that much hair this side of Bigfoot. But that's just a few items on her wants and needs list.  It's incredible that we live in a world today where someone can feel as if they are owed wealth beyond nearly anyone else's dreams just because they got used to it.  Not that they lifted a finger to earn any of it, mind you.  Just that they got used to spending thousands of dollars on shoes every month and it just isn't fair to have that taken away. If you haven't read the official documents for what Mrs. Richie is asking for, you really should.  It'll make your jaw drop. Or it might make you think:  there's money to be made here damn it! And that's the moral of today's story.  Money is just waiting to be had out there.  It's just a matter of pushing aside any doubts about dignity, ethics, or a sense of common decency.  Because really, in the end is anyone going to care how caring and charitable you were?  No.  It's all about how much body hair you had left. Related links: Headvertise Imaginary Girlfriends Declaration of Diane Richie Coolworks:  Summer and seasonal jobs A+ Summer Jobs 7:24:33 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.