Thursday, March 11, 2004

Dumb and Dumbererer There's a strong chance that you already know about Alice Regina Pike, but if not, let me quickly get you up to speed.  This story is unbelievable. Alice went into a Georgia Wal-Mart the other day and tried to buy $1671.55 worth of merchandise with a one million dollar bill.  Only one problem:  there is no such bill, a fact that is fairly common knowledge to anyone outside of Alice's thick skull.  She then tried to pay with not one, but TWO Wal-Mart cards which had a combined available credit of $2.32.  You know, most millionaires have slightly larger credit lines.  But I digress. Somehow Alice managed to not pass this all off as some lame joke, got herself arrested (hence the mugshot in the upper left), and on her person were found a couple more one million dollar bills.  The woman was rolling around with what she honestly thought was three million in her wallet!  Alice Pike was livin' large in Wal-Mart! She claims her estranged husband, Madison Demaria, gave them to her.  What, as some sort of divorce settlement?  "Here, honey.  I'll give you three million for the trailer.  It's a double-wide, so I figure it's a fair deal."  And what's with the name "Madison Demaria"?  Sounds like either a porn star or transvestite's name.  Or both. So, anyways, Alice has been sitting in the Newton County jail the last couple of days because, surprisingly, the millionairess can't spring for her own bond and Mr. Demaria shockingly isn't coughing up the money to free his nutjob wife.  But you'd think she's had a lot of time now to think this all through.  To realize how stunningly stupid she is.  But no.  The woman just doesn't get it.  When asked if she really thought the bill was real she said, "You can't keep up with the US Treasury." Yeah, you know what, Alice?  You're right.  It is tough keeping up with the Treasury.  Same as how hard it must be for you to comprehend that you probably didn't go from being relatively poor (as evidenced by her carrying around two Wal-Mart cards and not realizing that the two put together wouldn't buy a magazine, much less well over a grand worth of whatever crap she was trying to buy -- which I bet doesn't include a computer, because I don't think this rocket scientist knows her way around Windex much less Windows) to having at least three million big ones burning a hole in your pocket. I love how she also assumed that the Wal-Mart cashier was going to be able to pull that kind of change out of the cash register.  "How would you like that $998,328.45, ma'am?  In twenties?  Are ones ok?"  If she'd gone to a Best Buy, would she have broken out a trillion dollar bill? I also love that mugshot.  Alice has got the whole "What?  Me worry?" grin going.  She knows that all she has to do is get some high-priced lawyer on the phone and he'll have her out of the pokey in two shakes of a counterfeit bill.  Or maybe not.  I love the human race. Related links: The Smoking Gun:  The mugshot, picture of the fake bill, and the sad-yet-hilarious police report The Atlanta journal-Constitution:  Follow-up story with Alice once she's had a chance to sort things out 6:58:04 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.