Monday, April 26, 2004

An American Tops The Premiere League As far as goaltenders go, anyway.  Sunday night the Professional Footballers Association of England had its big award night.  It was no surprise that Thierry Henry of Arsenal won the Player of the Year award for the second time in a row.  But a pretty nice surprise was seeing American Tim Howard named to the "all-star" team as the best goaltender in the league.  This is unusual simply because there aren't too many Americans playing in Europe.  Even more unusual, this makes it back-to-back American goalies winning the award.  Last year Brad Friedel picked up the trophy.   And the fact that Tim plays for Manchester United makes it all the more sweet.  Now if Man U would start focusing on scoring goals rather than just stopping them, they could put Arsenal back in their place next year. 10:23:13 PM     |

For The Next Time You're In A Bar A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a nun, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says: "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?" __________________________ An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." __________________________ A guy sits alone at a bar, drinking his beer. From out of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You look great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the only other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way at the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer. "That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again. The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes." The guy freaks out, and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!" As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!" "Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender. "Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary." __________________________ A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt outta here!" The man replies "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender is very flustered, and gives the man a beer on the house as way of an apology. So later that day this guy is telling his friend about it - "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!"  So the friend takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says "The sign says no dogs allowed! Get out with that thing!" The friend says "I can't read the sign, I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." Bartender replies "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says "They gave me a Chihuahua?!!?!" __________________________ An Irishman who has been living in America for years moves back home to a small town in Ireland. He goes into a pub the first day and since he's new, all eyes are on him as he goes to the bartender and asks for 3 pints. He sits alone at a table and drinks one, then the second, then the third, then goes home. The town is buzzing about it and the next day, the young man comes in and does the same. After about a week of the same practice, and the town full of questions for the bartender, he can no longer contain his curiosity and asks him: "Why do you always order three pints at once? And you never drink anything more?" The young man explained: "I have two brothers and we all used to go out to the pubs together and have a drink. Well, my older brother moved to Australia and I left my younger brother back in America, but we all vowed that whenever we went out drinkin, we would each have a pint for the other two brothers so it would be like we were together." The bartender thought it was a wonderful idea and the news spread quickly through the town. Everyone would raise their glasses to him when the young man would sit with his 3 pints. One day, he came in an ordered two pints, sat at the table, drank them and left. The bartender was surprised but said nothing. The town again was buzzing with the story, and people began to pray the rosary and light candles, saddened that the young man had lost one of his brothers. The following day, the young man came back for his two pints. The bartender stopped him on his way out, and said, "I don't mean to interfere, but I just want you to know that the entire town and I are very saddened by the loss of your brother, and we are praying for his soul." The young man looked confused, then smiled, and said, "No, my brother didn't die! It's Lent, and I gave up drinking!" Related link: 1001 Duck Bar Jokes 4:57:32 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.