RESOLVED

Now that Kofi Annan has died in a tragic hair-drying accident and I have been elected Secretary General of the UN, I am proposing the following resolutions:

#1625 The French will henceforth bathe with both soap AND water

#1626 All terrorists will wear Where's-Waldo-style stripey shirts for easy identification. You, too, Kucinich, you f'n crap weasel.

#1627 The UN Building will be closed down and re-opened as a Super Wal-Mart. All UN offices and equipment will be relocated to a whorehouse in Brussels

#1628 Upon entering the UN Building, all delegates will bitch-slap the Ambassador from France. After all delegates are seated, the French Ambassador will favor us with his rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot"

#1629 All leaders of nations NOT among the "Coalition of the Willing" will kneel before an American flag every day at 8am to give thanks to whatever deity they may worship that the US hasn't yet nuked their terrorist-coddling asses

#1630 Kim Jong Il WILL stop by Supercuts before the end of the day, or face re-coiffing from the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew

#1631 Misha I will be crowned Emperor by his own hand, and the world's population will take an oath of fealty lest they incur his Wrath O'ClueBat.

#1632 Kyoto = no mo'

#1633 The rainforests jungles of Brazil will be clear-cut and the entire country paved over as a parking lot for the world's largest indoor shopping center - The Mall of the Americas

#1634 Anyone who attempts any terrorist act will be dressed in red buttless leather chaps and turned loose in a San Francisco bath house wearing a "no Vaseline required" T-shirt.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!