EVIL GLENN’S CHRISTMAS
(A FILTHY LIE)
As part of Alliance covert ops, I, along with many other brave and intrepid Alliance agents, was tasked with discovering what the fiendish monster would be up to during the holiday season.
Mustering all my considerable geek skills, I managed to hack into his computer. Stupid bastard has just exactly crap for a firewall, so I was into his hard drive in a wink. Soon enough, I found a folder marked "Christmas" and popped it open. Looks like our boy has been re-writing a few Christmas tunes. I'm not positive, but I suspect that this may have something to do with that day care operation of his - Happy Smiling Glenn's Super Duper Extra Fun Story Time & Sing Along Playground of Niceness. I’m guessing he’s putting on a Christmas pageant of some sort. But, as usual, he’s taken something beautiful & joyous and made it plain old sick & wrong.
For example, in the file named “Jingle Bells”, I found this:
Blender pup, blender pup
Spinning bloody fur
Oh what fun it is to watch
Those metal blades go "whirrrr"
Dashing through their hides
In a Waring whizzing round
Through their flesh it slides
Love that chopping sound
Grisly fuzzy goo
Liquefies just right
What fun it is to slurp and sing
A slaying song tonight!
“Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” was in there, too:
Oh little hobo I just killed
How still I see thee lie.
Above thy dead and dreamless sleep
I laugh until I cry.
Yet if you start to twitch and move
I'll hack you with my knife.
I'll thrust and slice and chop and dice
To end your worthless life.
“Oh Christmas Tree”? Yeah, it’s in there:
Oh Penguin porn, oh penguin porn
How lovely are your feathers
Oh penguin porn, oh penguin porn
I love your lace and leathers
You shake your bare ass just for me
I stroke so fast you can hardly see
Oh penguin porn, oh penguin porn
Bukakke on your feathers.
But you’d think he’d have the decency to leave “Joy To The World” alone, right?
Nope:
Joy to the world
I punched Frank J.
And bloodied up his nose.
I kicked him in the shins and then
I smacked him in the face again
Like a girl he just cried,
And ran away to hide
So wh-y oh why are you still on his side?
There was more, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. All I know is that Glenn’s foul undertakings have to end SOON!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
