Well, I spent the weekend planning a party that I'm going to have for my ham radio club in December. As though I don't have enough to do. I feel that there's so much more that I want to do with the life that I have left. So many people I want to meet and get to know, so many opportunities to try different things -- basically bask in the enjoyment of living and feeling healthy while I have my health. It's been driving me down, all of these things that are consuming my time (on top of work pressures increasing). Still, I can't help but continue.
I get up every night with hot flashes and I use that time to meditate. Lately I've been getting up and really feeling my cancer. Not pain-wise, but just thinking about it. Every ache and pain that I have, and every lump on my body feels like my cancer is back. It's a cruel game that cancer plays. It hides out in different parts of my body, laughing at me, taunting and teasing me, and then it disappears, only to come out days, weeks, or months later.
I read another breast cancer survivor's blog the other day, and she said "I don't understand people who say that they're thankful for their cancer, because there's absolutely nothing good about it." I thought about how I always say that I'm thankful for my cancer. That night, sitting on my meditation cushion and wondering if the lump on my scar was my cancer coming back, I understood how someone could have the feelings she has.
8:05:18 PM 
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