Monday, July 19, 2004

Authentically Awful We went grocery shopping tonight, and in the tradition of always picking up something new to try, a bag of Orchids Tokyo Mix found its way to the cart. Now I'll be the first to admit I've never tried any form of Japanese snack, let alone "authentic Japanese rice cracker Tokyo Mix" containing 100% glutinous rice.  But after tonight's experience, I feel confident in saying that the first time will be the last time.  Luckily we captured that first time in pictures. After ripping open the bag, I took a quick sniff.  Smelled sort of like Cracker Jacks, but what I poured out into my hand looked anything but.  "Halloween candy you throw away," maybe.  Something you happily snack on during a ballgame, probably not. But screw it.  This wasn't a moment to be faint of heart, so with mucho gusto I took one of the cylindrical orange thingies wrapped in what appeared to be seaweed, and took a munch.  It didn't go well.  It was crunchy and tasted like, well, seaweed.  Maybe some of you are into that sort of thing, but not this hombre.  Hell, even Franklin turned up his nose at it. Not being one to get left out, Marcela popped one into her mouth, too.  She didn't say much, but I think she regretted it. Next came what Marcela declared looked just like a tiny Mexican concha.  Turns out the sucker was hollow and made a rattling sound. With some trepidation, I took a bite and swallowed.  The concha also had the seaweed taste, but added a hint of Cracker Jack to it.  Tasted just like a Cracker Jack that had washed up on a beach.  In New Jersey.  For some reason I didn't take the time to inspect the inside.  I was too busy trying not to throw up. Not being totally convinced that something that innocent looking could be so awful, Marcela gave one a few shakes and then took a bite.  Through her brave efforts, we discovered what the inside held.  At least it wasn't a dead fish. Then came the pea.  It was Marcela's turn to go first, so being the camper she is, she took one between her lips, said a quick prayer, and bit in. Whatever regret she felt earlier was soon forgotten.  Forgotten, or at the very least replaced, by the burning sensation ripping across her tastebuds.  Unfortunately my camera doesn't snap pictures fast enough to capture the wild convulsions she broke down into.  For a second I thought she was going to need an exorcism. Now if I had any sense at all, I'd have come up with some sort of an excuse to not eat one of those peas.  Like "The house is on fire!"  Or "green peas make me fart something fierce."  Anything.  But my mind went blank under Marcela's withering stare. The ingredients on the back of the package just listed them as green peas.  It looked like a dried up green pea.  It tasted like a dried up piece of hell.  Probably worse.  If you climbed down to about the seventh level of Hades, picked up a little piece of whatever is lying around on the ground, and popped it into your mouth, you'd still be better off than Marcela and I this evening.  Much better. So there you go.  Took a couple of bottles of water and a margarita or three to get the tastes out of my mouth, but I'll live.  A little wiser.  A little less desirous of ever living in Japan. 11:47:16 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.