Saturday, July 31, 2004

Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today o Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. o The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. o Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. o “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. o A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. o Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. o The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay. o Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican. o If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex. o A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. o HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. o Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. o Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. o Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion. o A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. o Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. o The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business. o You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt. o What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant. o Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. This list or versions similiar to it are posted all over the internet.  I found out about it via Slapnose.  The additional hyperlinks were added by myself.  Let me know if you find a Democrat list and if it's true/funny, I'll post it, too. 12:31:11 PM     |

© Copyright 2005 Alex L. Mauldin.