Well, I've now promised myself that I'm going to have The Conversation with B- tomorrow. I've sent him an email asking whether I can stop by his place in the afternoon. He knows I've got stuff on my mind that I want to talk with him about.

The trick for me will be concentrating on telling him what I think or feel, not what I imagine he is doing, thinking, or feeling. I have such a habit of mental shadow-boxing that of course I have all sorts of theories about what might be going on with him. But that's not really the point. The point is that I want him to know what's going on with me, what I need and want.

I'm not trying to persuade him of anything, or change his mind, or make him feel any particular way. This is not a complaint. My goal is for him to understand where I stand, and ~ I hope ~ let me know whether there is or is not a future for us as a couple that will work for me.

If I were a stronger person, or if I had a different history, I might be able to tolerate the ambiguity better. But I know myself well enough now to identify the peril for me in just bumbling along, waiting for things to clarify, hoping for the best, pining, feeling neglected and/or disrespected. That's just a disastrous place for me.

If this relationship is not going to be a romantic/erotic one, then I hope we can restore our friendship as closely as possible to its previous footing. I believe I can do that, although the transition will not be completely simple for me. I hope he can too.

Of course, having made this decision I'm now utterly preoccupied with it, and finding it impossible to do any of the tasks I need to perform this weekend. Nor do I think I'll be able to socialize tonight ~ M invited a bunch of us to join her for dancing at a local club, but I'm just not up for going there and NOT enjoying any special status in B-world. The hell with it. Besides, I'm exhausted from a difficult week that included an all-nighter, new client meeting, and fending off the circulating summer flu.

On a curious note, last night I went to a "closing" party at A's new house (she took title that morning). Our friend K was there, and he was even more cosy/friendly than usual. There is little doubt in my mind that he's interested in me. He shares many of the demographic attributes of B-. What is this, a trend?

6:36:42 PM    please comment []

Fifteen years ago, or so, I visited Mesa Verde with my then boyfriend. We had a wonderful time exploring the Anasazi-type dwellings built into the dramatic sandstone cliffsides.

Looking at the keyhole-shaped windows, I came up with the theory that the indigenous people had learned how to build folding gliders from yucca fiber, and had launched themselves from those windows into the thermals, travelling from site to site that way. I was skeptical that their complex social infrastructure could have been sustained by the tiny handgrips and footholds that are the only remaining indication of how they might have gotten from the mesa above to their dwelings.

Now there's a guy who wrote a book to pursue the myth of the Birdmen in Peru.

Machu Picchu, the ancient Peruvian fortress city unknown to the modern world before 1911, is just chock-full of mysterious strangers. But enlightenment approaches. Anyone can plainly see that the city's Temple of the Condor is ''a shrine dedicated to flight.'' What's more, the whole city is laid out in the shape of a condor: '' 'It's a condor!' I shouted. 'Machu Picchu's a gigantic condor!' '' Fortunately, a levelheaded Peruvian stranger is present with counsel. ''The condor links us to heaven. . . . We all have wings,'' he says, ''but we have forgotten how to use them.''

Apparently the upshot is that it's all hallucigen-induced sensation and imagery.

I like my version better.

5:04:47 PM    please comment []

When I was child, my Dad used to invite me: "Come sit on my lap and tell me all your troubles!" It was always said with a broad smile, as kind of a joke. What kind of troubles could a child have, anyway? I think he thought of it as a form of entertainment.

Now, whenever I tell my Dad about something difficult going on in my life, he can't change the subject fast enough. And the next time we talk, he's forgotten all about it. I guess the problems of adults, and particularly grown children, are much less entertaining.

4:59:34 PM    please comment []

... I want the roll-up computer screen.

For years I've envisioned a tube with a windowshade-like pull tab that would unscroll to be a computer display. You could sling it on a strap over your shoulder.

Bring it on!

4:57:20 PM    please comment []

Ten days into keeping a journal and I already thought I'd hit an all-time low. As if!

My struggle with The Demon Television continues to this day. The good I would do, I do not do, and the evil I would not do, that evil I do. What else is new.

At fifteen, I wanted everyone to like me.
At fifteen, I thought I could create unique musical compositions (I have no idea if they were any good, in any case they're lost in the fog of time).
At fifteen, my parents were kvetching about the aging process. I was sympathetic but impatient. At the time, my parents would have been 52 (Dad) and 48 (Mom). Soon, I'll be the age my mother was when I was fifteen.

My complaints? I'm gradually losing my perfect eyesight, and often find myself holding small print items further away and squinting to bring them into focus.

And I can't pull all-nighters any more without paying a pretty gruesome price the day after next.

1:01:52 AM    please comment []

Yes, you are now reading my first post drafted and upstreamed from my new 128MB USB microdrive.

The thing is a sleek lozenge about 3 inches long and less than an inch wide, and about a quarter of an inch thick, and weighs about half an ounce. It fits on my keychain or dangles like a cool amulet from a lariat around my neck, flapper-style (I removed the annoying pen-clip). All I have to do is pull off the cap, plug it in, and BOOM ~ a hard drive with my Radio installation and all relevant files is good to go from any Mac running OS X. I can't detect a meaningful difference in reponsiveness between the Radio server on the USB drive or my internal hard drive. Sweet.

So I don't have to tote my laptop back and forth to the office, or keep it hooked up to dialup from home. No sirree. Have blog, will travel! Oh, and I still have another 100 MB free to stuff with whatever I want.

I ordered this puppy from MacConnection last night and had it this morning for under $100. Some days you just have to looooooooove technology!

12:14:09 AM    please comment []