Why I hate nicotine. . . I hate nicotine right now and every little lie it keeps trying to tell me. . .if you've never smoked for a decent amount of time, you have no idea what quitting is like. . .nicotine lies, lies I tell you. . .i've quit before. . .and quit quitting too. . .never considered myself much of a smoker, hell I'm training for a triathlon and a marathon and I'm an athlete damn it!!  And I'm not really a smoker, once I make it past the first three days, it's not so hard for me to go without. . .rationalization is one of the problems, nicotine lies and you can rationalize all kinds of things to believe the lies. . .I was doing well for October and November. . .but when Grandad passed away, one of the very first things I did, in fact the first thing I did after leaving work was buy a pack of cigarettes. . .he died of emphysema from smoking all his life. . .you work on the symbolism of that and get back to me. . actually, don't get back to me, I don't want to hear it. . .

And now, almost a month later, I need to quit. . .I want to quit. . .I'm quitting. . .no really I am. . .but day two, day two always sucks absolute ass and it doesn't help to happen on a Monday. . .yesterday, easy, hungover, smoked like a pack and a half on Saturday night because I wanted to quit and it's always easier when you overdose. . .but Monday, Monday fucking sucks.. .

If nicotine was a thing, a physical creature, something I could get my hands on, I'd put it in a cage, drip water on it every now and then, flash a strobe at it on occasion, stick pins in its feet when I felt like it. . .that's what I feel like. . .i'm a pretty gentle person but I want to kill things today. . .grrrr. . .nicotine tells lies too. . .it's ok to have just one. . .it's ok to smoke when you go out. . .it's ok to smoke when you fish. . .hell you've probably already got cancer, might as well enjoy it while you can. . .little lies, rolling around in my head. . .very persuasive lies. . .in the same way that Chinese water torture eventually breaks you down, so does nicotine. . .it's a fiend. . .

It's poison, you know?  You're voluntarily putting poison, hundreds of chemicals qualified as poison into your body. . .I love it. . .and it's not like pot or coke or heroin, there isn't that neat little high, however fleeting, wonderful, flowing high of some sort. . .no, nicotine just makes you feel like shit, nicotine makes your mouth dry and cottony, nicotine makes you irritable and bitchy , nicotine makes you incapable of running a mile when you used to run one in 6 minutes, nicotine makes women not want to kiss you, nicotine makes you stink, makes blood pressure rise, makes your heart constrict, makes your lungs feel like fire as you run around a soccer field. . .

I hate it. . .but I want one sooooooo bad. . .luckily for me, alcohol dulls the pain a tad. . .most people who drink and smoke connect the two. . .I can substitute one for the other. . .tonight I'm trying to kill the Nicotine Demon with the Scotch Angel. . .they're currently fighting a noble battle, one that the Scotch Angel will eventually win, because I'll go buy another bottle of scotch long before I buy a pack of cigarettes. . .cuz once you buy a pack, you have to smoke them, it's a rule. . .c'mon Scotch Angel, i need some help tonight. . .