Random story alert!!!!!

When I was in college, it became apparent, at least to my dentist, that I needed to have my wisdom teeth taken out. . .let me just preface this story with the fact that I hate the dentist, possibly as much as I hate roller coasters. . .that whole metal scratching on enamel. . .large pieces of cardboard being stuffed into my throat for x-rays. . .the fact that the technician runs like hell from the room during x-rays and I'm supposed to believe that my little lead bib is going to protect me. . .right. . .it all adds up to a pretty bad experience. . .regardless, back to my wisdom teeth. . .

It seems that this particular dentist didn't believe in using gas to have wisdom teeth taken out. . .all my other friends have great memories of wisdom teeth pulling if for no other reason than getting loaded up on nitrous oxide or whatever concoction they use on you. . .though when I first had the gas, i decided it would be a good idea to fight it. . .when i woke up, they said I had one of the worst reactions to gas that they had ever seen. . .soaked in sweat, shaking, speaking in tongues. . .that sort of thing. . .I digress. . .

Anyway, so my dentist says, no you don't need gas, Novocaine should be fine. . .i'm like, whatever you say, I hate your guts. . .so I get 3 or 10 shots of Novocaine. . .and she starts pulling. . .and by pulling, I mean grinding, twisting, tearing and basically ripping the things out of my head. . .I can't feel any of this (10 shots of Novocaine will do this to a person) but I can smell it. . .and god knows that's a great smell. . .the first tooth takes 45 minutes. . .this is not good. . .she had estimated that the entire procedure would take an hour and thirty minutes tops. . .shit is not going well. . .I've gone through two of those dental bibs they strap on you so that they can wipe unclean things that come out of your mouth onto. . .bad news. . .

so after two hours and forty five minutes, she's got three out, offers to let me come back later for the last one. . .I must have had the most incredulous look on my face. . .Hell no, i'm never, NEVER, coming back to see you, you sadistic asshole. . .get that thing out my foot. . .or wherever it still is (10 shots of Novocaine will really do that to a person) so she digs in. . .she's got her foot on my chest, using pliers she borrowed from the electrician. . .I can't feel anything but i'm sure this is isn't natural. . .somewhere in my mind, I'm like just give me the gas. . .but I'm tough so I'm toughing it out. . .finally, 45 minutes later, i'm home free. . .one thing about the gas, well you're pretty much incapacitated for a half day or so, not so with Novocaine, you walk your own happy ass out, you can drive home, your motor skills are completely normal. . .well except for a couple. . .

So i leave, but not before pulling the network cable out of the back of the receptionist's computer (yeah I hate dentists and 3 hours and 30 minutes is way too long to sit in one of those chairs). . .i'm driving myself home. . .can't wait to fill the prescription for the Vicodin. . .having Vicodin and Vodka dreams on the way home. . .so i'm sitting at this light about a mile from my house, waiting for the light to turn red. . or maybe green. . .whatever. . .i look over to my left and the people in the car next to me have this totally horrified look on their face, like they just saw a ghost or had their wisdom teeth pulled or something. . .I'm like WTF, why are you scared of me?  So i look over to my right (this is a small town, people still make eye contact there, I know it's hard to believe) and these people are just dying laughing. . .i'm like WTF, why are you laughing at me?  I'm starting to get pissed, I mean, I've just sat through 3.5 hours of sheer hell, I have a footprint on my chest, my mouth tastes like a crescent wrench. . .how could this get worse?  So I start looking around the car to figure out what the hell is so funny or terrifying or whatever. . .and it's then that I realize. . .

My mouth has been open the whole time since I left the dentist's office, 10 miles mind you,  and i've completely spit-soiled myself. . .imagine watching some poor sap after he's driven 10 miles with his mouth open. . .I mean full-on, cotton has fallen out, dripping drool right down my shirt. . .at this point I'm humiliated. . .I push my mouth shut with my hand which only makes matters worse since my tongue was hanging out of my mouth. . . that hurt. . .now I have to drive home holding my mouth shut while drooling out of the corners of my mouth. . .bad news. . .I hate the dentist. . .

10:18:45 PM    What do you think?  []  trackback []