So I have nothing to eat in the house, or at least I think that. . .actually everything I have takes effort to make and I'm not in the mood tonight. . .so as I'm want to do, i'm just going to go without dinner this evening. . .but, just because I can't have dinner doesn't mean that I can't drink. . .so I head for the freezer to get some ice. . .when what do I find? Sweet Mary Mother Of Jesus, I have a box of frozen corn dogs that I must have picked up on sale somewhere. . .and if you think I didn't have that exact thought, "Sweet Mary Mother Of Jesus, I have a box of frozen corn dogs that I must have picked up on sale somewhere", you don't understand where I'm coming from. . .it's akin to the Amstel Light Commercial where the guy is like "BOOYAH!!!!" but more verbose. . .

Now remember, I don't have anything to eat in the house but I know one thing and that's that I have a refrigerator (by the way, if you don't know how to spell refrigerator and you type "refriderator" into google, it spells it for you but the best part is that there are over 1000 sites that spell it refriderator. . .the internet is a big place and it's full of bad spellers, obviously) full of condiments, including two kinds of mustard to go with the corn dogs. . .I'm a gourmand, hence the two types of mustard. . .I digress. . .

so I pop two of these suckers into the microwave (I understand that the toaster oven makes for tastier corn dogs but I'm fresh out of toaster ovens right now and I'm not heating up the regular oven and waiting 45 minutes--I've got a buzz for god's sake and I'm hungry NOW!!!) and start to read the box as they heat up (this is similar to bathroom reading, you're really just waiting for something to finish but it's a timed process so you read to pass the time).

Things I learned from the State Fair Corn Dog Box: Serving size is 1. Calories=180, fat grams=16% of RDA, blah blah blah, I'm having like four of these before the night is over and I'm not worried about all this. . .however, what I am worried about is that this is written on the box: "Made of Beef and Pork, Turkey" Ummm so at this point, I'm wondering "Are the State Fair people this bad at grammar or is Turkey an afterthought?". . .I've had enough to drink at this point to make it important to me to find out the answer to the aforementioned question . . .so I start reading the actual ingredients. . .

Tops on the list are "Beef and Pork." Ok I could have assumed that. But what the marketing people at State Fair leave out are the modifiers for the turkey. Namely that it's "Mechanically Separated Turkey." Ummm ok so what exactly is "Mechanically Separated Turkey"? A quick Google search (I'm a google junkie, if I could figure out a way to find new friends on Google, I'd do it--though you'd be surprised how many people are looking for new friends--try it, type "I need new friends" into Google and see what you get back) revealed the true nature of Mechanically Separated Turkey. Basically it's meat, chicken or turkey, that has been forced through a sieve-like thing to get every last piece of meat off the bone. . .at this point, my corn dogs are done and I'm not really that interested any more because as far as I'm concerned, sieved meat is tasty. . .and it is. . .in fact, washed down with an very expensive rum, those corn dogs made of sieved meat were one of the best things I've ever had. . .

Only bachelors understand. . .

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One of the funniest lines though is this one:

"They're just like, `Mike, go sit down. You're the kicker.'

If you know anything about football, football players don't really think the kickers are actually football players. . .they actually feel a great deal of animosity towards them. . .and only the kicker is expected to be perfect, all the time, on demand in some of the games most pressure-packed situations. . .so it's pretty damn funny that the kicker for the Colts is saying he's the guy who wants to win the most. . .and he's Canadian. . .I can't imagine spring training being any fun for him. . .

However, he did save their happy little butt in Denver making two very improbable field goals late in the game, one to send it to overtime and one to win in a snowstorm. . .he seems to have the game to back it up. . .I digress. . .

The Colts really are kind of sad, they don't really ever play to the competition like, say the Giants do. . .the Colts beat bad teams but they get beaten pretty regularly by good teams. . .and in situations where they are the favorite, such as the playoff game, IN INDY, against the Jets, they sometimes look downright pitiful. . .granted you can't blame that all on the QB but you can damn sure blame a lot of it. . .does he have the fire? I don't know. . .

Peyton stayed around Tennessee for his senior year, which at the time was hailed as a wonderful decision, exemplifying his maturity and desire to win a National Championship. . .however, he didn't get the job done. . .he always had trouble with Florida in college. . .and now, maybe he stayed in school because it was the easiest thing to do. . .maybe he's got too much of his father in him. . .Archie Manning was a great, and I do mean great, quarterback but he played for the Saints his entire career. . .at least Peyton has some pretty good players along side him. . .I don't know if he has it or not but when the kicker starts to question your desire to win, something is seriously amiss. . .

8:35:06 PM    What do you think?  []  trackback []