Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Setting The Hook

Every fisherman worth his salt knows that once the fish takes the bait, it doesn't mean anything unless you properly set the hook. So many fish are lost when an angler abruptly tries to reel in the fish before the hook has been properly set in its mouth.

Today I got another email from my friend Dr. Okwu from Nigeria. Here's the text [with my comments]:

October 14, 2003

HELLO BAWLS [That's Mr. Bawls, thank you very much],

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING TO ASSIST ME IN THIS NOBLE TRANSACTION. I AM VERY MUCH TO DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU. [I see he's still got a problem with the Caps Lock]

YES I GOT YOUR EMAIL CONTACT THROUGH THE FED.GOVT.OF NIGERIA INTERNET BOARD. [Sounds pretty official to me]

FUTHERMORE,I DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU VERY URGENTLY, FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

1.THE GREEDY BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK IS INTRESTED IN SHERING THIS FUNDS AMONGST THEMSELVES,IF BY THE END OF THE YEAR, NON OF THE RELATIONS OF CHAPMAN,COMES UP TO APPLY FOR THE RELEASE OF THE FUNDS.

2.WE ARE POORLY PAID DOWN HERE,THUS MAKING ONES FUTURE LOOKING BLEAK.

3.I WANT TO RESIGN FROM THIS BANKING WORK AND PROCEED TO INDIA,YOUR COUNTRY HOME,WHERE I CAN GO INTO JOINT VENTURE WITH YOU IN A VERY MUCH LUCRATIVE BUSINESS. [How the hell did he get the idea that I live in India?]

HOWEVER,ALL THESE MUST BE ACCOMPLISHED AS SOON AS WE
PROCEED WITH THIS TRANSACTION.

ALL TRANSACTIONS WILL ABIDE ALL BANKING GUIDELINES AND POLICIES,THE REASON FOR ALL THESE IS TO MAKE ALL THE ENTIRE TRANSACTION OFFICIAL AND AUTHENTIC AND THE DURATION OF THE TRANSFER WILL NOT BE MOTHERN 9 WORKING DAYS,STARTING FROM THE DAY WE SUBMIT THE APPLICATION.

ATTACHED HEREIN IS THE APPLICATION FORM,JUST FILL IT AND RETURN TO ME FOR ONWARD SUBMITTION,WE HAVE LESS THAN TWO WEEKS TO CONCLUDE THE BUSINESS,THEN I WILL PROCEED TO YOUR COUNTRY HOME FOR THE DISBURSEMENT. THE $33.3MUSD WILL BE DISBURSED IN THIS FORM,30% FOR YOU,10% FOR CHARITY,10% TO OFFSET ALL THE BILLS WE WILL INCURE IN THE PROCESS OF TRANSFER [Do you think I'll get an itemized list?] AND 50% FOR MY SIDE,I HOPE IT'S ALRIGHT BY YOU? [Should I hold out for 33%?]

IN ALTERNATIVE,YOU CAN SEND ME THE FOLLOWING,SO THAT I CAN FILE THE APPLICATION ON YOUR BEHALF.:

1.YOUR COMPLETE NAMES AND ADDRESS
2.YOUR BANK PATICULARS(BANK NAME,ACCOUNT
NUMBER,BENEFICIARY)
3.A COPY OF EITHER OF THE FOLLOWING:
A.INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR
B.DRIVING LICENSE OR
C.OFFICIAL I.D CARD
OR EITHER OF THE REGISTRATION NUMBERS OF ANY OF THE
A,B,C ABOVE.

PLEASE THIS TRANSACTION MUST BE HANDLED,I REPEAT MUST BE HANDLED WITH ALL MEASURES OF CONFIDENTIALITY AND SECRECY,KNOWING FULLY WELL THAT I AM STILL IN ACTIVE SERVICE. [Of course, I would expect a complete stranger like me to handle a multimillion dollar transaction like this with complete confidentiality]

ONCEMORE THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE.

JOHNSON

NOTE:SENDDOWN THE APPLICATION THROUGH EMAIL OR THROUGH MY SECURITY E-FAX LINE: x-xxx-xxx-xxxx,JUST DIAL DIRECT.MY OFFICIAL I.D CARD IS FOR YOUR PERSONAL PERUSAL AND UNDERSTANDING THAT I AM HERE TO DO REAL GOOD BUSINESS WITH YOU,PLEASE KEEP IT CONFIDENTIAL

Just so I can rest assured, here's his ID:

Here's the "application":

Now we don't want this fish to slip the hook. So here's my response:

Dear Dr. Okwu:

Thanks for your rapid reply. I am so sorry to hear about your disreputable Board of Directors. I know how difficult it is to work under such circumstances having served on the board of Enron for several years before moving to my present location.

I am very pleased with your proposal and have forwarded your documentation to my solicitor, Buster Hyman, for review and I have impressed upon him the urgency of concluding this transaction in a most expeditious manner. However, I really would feel a little more comfortable with a little evidence of your fund. You can e-mail me the documentation as we are having tremendous problems with the security relating to our fax transmissions with all of the business involving Al-Qaida terrorists [aren't we all] and so forth, of which I am sure you can appreciate.

The 30% share on my part is most satisfactory [I think I should've held out for more. What do you think?]. Could you tell me the name of the charity receiving the 10% as due to varied and complex business dealings I would be most interested in investigating the possibility of claiming same as a deduction against one of my companies' gross income. [It's always a good idea to consider the tax implications of any financial transaction]

I look most anxiously forward to doing business with you.

Regards,
Claude Bawls

File under Nigerian Email Buddies.

11:53:34 PM

Go ahead, make my day [] trackback []