Nonstop Nigerian Nonsense
When we last left Dr. Johnson Okwu, he'd just learned that his "friend" Claude Bawls was suffering from a hearing disorder that prevented him from communicating by telephone. So, their email correspondence continues. My commentary in red, of course.
MY DEAR BAWLS, [I'm sorry but this cracks me up to no end]
HOW ARE YOU TODAY? VERY,VERY SORRY FOR THE HEALTH, COULD YOU BELIEVE I HAD SUCH A PROBLEM LAST MONTH, INFACT MINE LASTED FOR SOLID TWO WKS,THE DOCTOR MADE ME TO KNOW THAT I SHOULD STOP TAKING SO MUCH PAIN RELIEF DRUGS, MIND YOU I TAKE NOVALGEN AND PANADOL SO MUCH AT TIMES OVERDOSE, SO I HAVE TO DO AWAY WITH THEM, NOW I AM ALRIGHT,AGAIN TRY AND STAY AWAY FROM NOISE MOSTLY VERY SHARP ONES.
THEN COMING IN THE AREA OF OUR TRANSACTION, I NEED THE FOLLOWING ITEMS,TO ENABLE ME APPLY FOR YOU,I WILL SUGGEST WE EMPLOY THE SERVICES OF THE BANK'S ACCREDITED ATTORNEY, [now the inevitable third party enters the transaction] IN FACT SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT THE BANK,THAN INVOLVING AN OUTSIDER, I MEAN SHE IS LOYAL TO ME,ALRIGHT? GOOD. [isn't it nice to know that Nigerian attorneys are just as ethical as their American counterparts?]
THESE ARE THE DETAILS:
1.YOUR COMPLETE NAMES AND ADRESS
2.YOUR BANKS PARTICULARS
3.A COPY OF EITHER YOUR INTER.PASSPORT OR DRIVING LICENSE OR OFFICIAL I.D CARD
IN ALTERNATIVE YOU CAN AS WELL COMPLETE THE APPLICATION TEXT WHICH I SENT TO YOU BEFORE NOW. [I really don't have the time to waste filling out forms]
I WILL BE WAITING TO RECEIVE IT, REMAIN BLESSED AND GET WELL SOON, BECAUSE I WILL LIKE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. [if you ever do it'll be that loud laughter you hear coming from the west of you]
JOHNSON.
Here's my response to my buddy Johnson's email:
Dear Johnson,
Here is the information you requested:
1. Claude Bawls, 3 Abbey Road, London, UK 617 [anybody remember the album cover of Abbey Road?]
2. Lincoln Savings and Loan Association.[Lincoln Savings and Loan Association was at the heart of a massive fraud - its collapse, when it came, by itself cost American taxpayers over three billion dollars, more than any other single S&L. It resulted in more than six felony convictions, including that of Charles Keating] Acct #203019 73335223
3. Copy of passport attached
Let me know if the passport came through alright. My scanner is really crapping out now. Damn Microsoft drivers won't work with anything since I upgraded to Windows XP. [this is actually a true statement - I had to buy a new scanner for my home desktop] I should have bought a Macintosh. [as a matter of fact, I did buy a PowerBook]
Let me know if you need any more information. Also please advise as to how the transaction is to be completed. [I hope I don't seem too anxious here - I'd hate for him to think he'd be able to take advantage of me]
Regards,
C. Bawls
Here's the copy of "my" passport that I sent with the email:
Note that my wife's name is Raisa Gorbachev. The photo is that of convicted serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer.
Apparently Dr. Johnson works weekends. This response came in today:
MY DEAR BAWLS,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?I SUBMITTED YOUR APPLICATION TWO HOURS AGO.FOR NOW I BELIEVE THE INFORMATION YOU SENT ARE ALRIGHT AND I DO NOT THINK MORE INFORMATION IS REQUIRED,IN THE MEAN TIME ALL YOU NEED DO IS TO BE ATTENTIVE TO YOUR MAIL SO THAT AS SOON AS THE BANK MANAGEMENT CONTACTS YOU,THEN QUICKLY FORWARD THE MAIL TO ME SO THAT I WILL INSTRUCT YOU ON WHAT TO DO,ALRIGHT?GOOD.
HOW IS YOUR HEALTH FOR NOW?PLEASE GET WELL SOON.
HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.
I guess I'll just keep watching my email with great anticipation.
File under Nigerian Email Buddies.
10:21:20 AM 
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Saturday, October 18, 2003
